A Sign?

It seems that every time I turn around I am being lambasted with offers for life insurance. My blog gets 10 to 15 life insurance spam hits per day. Do I give the impression that I live on the edge? Is it my whining about my ‘hood’? Perhaps it is my discussions about firing my gun more than one might consider to be the norm? The fact that I trip over imaginary lines on the floor or walk into walls even when sober? My anger issues? My driving skills, or lack thereof?

I laugh about the spam and toss out the offers that fill my PO Box, never giving them a second thought.

And then I receive a call from a life insurance company. It went like this:

“Is this Mr. J?”

“No, this is Mrs. J.”

“Well, Mr J. wanted to purchase a life insurance policy from our company.” (my mind begins to spin. What have I done to have Mr J wanting to take out more insurance? Dinner was not that bad last night…)

I asked the rep, “Does he want to take out additional insurance on himself or for me? If it is a policy for me, I need to know. Do I need to be nicer to my husband?”

The rep was so quiet, I thought he had hung up the phone.

He hesitated too long, and I hung up on him!

De-de-de-Delirious

It is official I am peri-menopausal. Well it is not official, because I have not been to the doctor. But, I did watch The New Adventures of Old Christine this week and …

Christine explained the crazies in my head in just one episode. Here is a 2 minute clip (ya have to deal with a 30 second commercial first):  Christine at the Doctor

This Thursday’s list of Ten consists of the things that are driving me mad(er). I am providing an appropriate theme song below. (Props to Prince for saying it so well) 

1.) The Save and Delete tabs are right next to each other on my accounting program. I can’t tell you how many times I have arrowed over to the wrong button and deleted an entry that I wanted to save. What kind of demented ass would put them together? And why don’t I get the annoying pop up asking me if I am sure I want to delete? Nooooo! It just vanishes and then secretly laughs at me for being in a rush.  

2.) Wrinkles ~ Not those that have begun to pop up around my delightful smile. Those just make me sigh. I am driven batty(er) by the wrinkles in my bed. My sheets must be military tight. A single wrinkle under my thigh will keep me up the entire night. I have been known to ask Mr. J to get out of bed so that I can straighten the sheet. It must be love that keeps him from dumping me in the bayou.

3.) Popcorn ~ With all the advancements in science, why have they not invented a popcorn that does not have the those little  cellulose fibers (ya, I looked it up). I think I will need to have a back molar removed in order to reach a little piece of kernel that is permanently attaching itself.

4.) Book censoring ~ I will write a complete post on this one day. For now I will just say, “Book Banning Sucks.” The constant push to have great books banned is driving me de-de-de-delirious.

5.) Annoying ass sales calls interrupting my Beethoven ~ I listen to classical music when I am trying to calm the savage beast that has claimed my soul. Today’s interruption went something like this:

Caller: Could I bore you with a 20-30 minute drone of my product?

Me: Could you please hold? (I then sat the receiver by my speaker and cranked up the Borodin string quartet playing No. 11, OP95 “Quartetto Serioso”) Which I feel was wonderful of me.  I don’t normally share my quality music time with others, but I think they appreciated my generosity. For they stayed on and listened with me for almost 20 minutes.

6.) Crickets, locusts, or whatever the hell is making that dreadful noise outside my window. Maybe it is Joan’s  cicadas.

7.) Cravings for things that I know I cannot have ~ My Dad is out of the country, so of course I need a hug from him … Right Now.

de-de-de-delirious…

8.) Wannabe comedians practicing their routines in my office ~ “No, I do not have an elevator in my office.” “I don’t know why you think you are hearing elevator music coming from here.” (and you would not recognize class if it bitch slapped you)

9.) My watch ~ As beautiful as it looks on my wrist, the blasted thing is making me itch. EVERYTHING is making me itch — Breathing is making me itch.

10.) Today is April 3rd and I don’t have another paid holiday until May 26th ~ That is 53 days away! Fuck, Shit, and Damn… I am not going to make it.

Peri-menopausal women get a free pass on cursing cuz we are de-de-de-delirious!

Mr. J said that I cannot use this as an open excuse to be bitchy

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

*insert homicidal laughter*

De-de-de-delirous

I Surrender

I will not be blogging any more until the bitch ummm… unwanted shit-head  psychotic Menstrual Shaman, who  is practicing a ritual to excavate my cervix via tool of choice, is subdued.

 I will be back to post in the next day or two… If I can find enough chocolate to drown the bitch.

Until then… please check out any of the excellent sites listed in the blogrolls.

Hugs from the loony-toony corner of the globe…

 (From the looks of the picture, the bitch has cracked my lining!)

I also man the phones here a few days a week and have to share a reoccurring nightmare. I am plagued by repeat offenders trying to get me to change my electrical provider. It has been a thorn in my side for the last year. 

The calls do not end. ~ It started with:

Me: This is Mrs. J, May I help you?

The Guy on the other end: I need to talk with the person who handles your electrical account.

Me: I am sorry, but I am not interested. *click* (yes, that would be me hanging up on him. I get the same call at least three times a day and do not feel I need to explain to each caller that we are not going to change our electrical provider.)

…..

He is not finished and decides to call me back

Me: Mrs. J, How may I help you?

The Guy on the other end: I think we were disconnected. I need to……

Me: (yes, I interrupted him. My time is valuable. I need time to blog) No we were not disconnected. I hung up on you. I am not interested.

The Guy on the other end: Can I at least finish before you hang up?

Me: I will make you a deal. If you quit calling me, I will quit hanging up on you! *click*

And over the past couple months has evolved into…

Me: Good morning, how may I help you? (or some other stupid shit way of answering the phone while I am plagued with cramps from hell.)

Retarded Ass chick Girl on the other end: Ma’am there seems to be a problem. Our Annoying Ass customer service reps keep getting cut off in the middle of changing your service.

Me: The only problem that we seem to be having is, your company keeps harassing me to change providers and I continue to hang up the phone. Do you think there might be a better way for us ALL to handle the problem? Perhaps something along the lines of your company removing us from your data base? *click*

Piece of shit annoying ass repeat offender: Ma’am I need you to stop hanging up the phone. We need to resolve this issue.

At this point I am torn. Hanging up on them gives me brief moments of joy. Yet, I am feeling the urge to toy with her for a few minutes.

Me: Why sure honey. (Yes, I really did call her honey.) My coworkers know my signals. If I become sappy sweet, run for cover. Hell is breaking loose and I will take no prisoners.

Clueless airbag: Let em explain to you why it would benefit your company to switch to Whateverthefuk Electric, Incorporated.

Me: (not as patient as I had thought) Sugar, you sound like a nice person. I really hate that we have gotten off on such a bad foot. Here is what I will do for you: From now on, when your sales associates call me, interrupting my thought process, while I am working on million dollar projects,    … (breath of air… must keep it together) I will stop everything. Oh Hell, I will ask everyone in the building to stop what they are doing and we will collectively listen  long enough to see who will win the coin toss and will have the satisfaction of hanging up on you. *click*

Watch for me on the National news. I fear I might make the headlines this week.