De-de-de-Delirious

It is official I am peri-menopausal. Well it is not official, because I have not been to the doctor. But, I did watch The New Adventures of Old Christine this week and …

Christine explained the crazies in my head in just one episode. Here is a 2 minute clip (ya have to deal with a 30 second commercial first):  Christine at the Doctor

This Thursday’s list of Ten consists of the things that are driving me mad(er). I am providing an appropriate theme song below. (Props to Prince for saying it so well) 

1.) The Save and Delete tabs are right next to each other on my accounting program. I can’t tell you how many times I have arrowed over to the wrong button and deleted an entry that I wanted to save. What kind of demented ass would put them together? And why don’t I get the annoying pop up asking me if I am sure I want to delete? Nooooo! It just vanishes and then secretly laughs at me for being in a rush.  

2.) Wrinkles ~ Not those that have begun to pop up around my delightful smile. Those just make me sigh. I am driven batty(er) by the wrinkles in my bed. My sheets must be military tight. A single wrinkle under my thigh will keep me up the entire night. I have been known to ask Mr. J to get out of bed so that I can straighten the sheet. It must be love that keeps him from dumping me in the bayou.

3.) Popcorn ~ With all the advancements in science, why have they not invented a popcorn that does not have the those little  cellulose fibers (ya, I looked it up). I think I will need to have a back molar removed in order to reach a little piece of kernel that is permanently attaching itself.

4.) Book censoring ~ I will write a complete post on this one day. For now I will just say, “Book Banning Sucks.” The constant push to have great books banned is driving me de-de-de-delirious.

5.) Annoying ass sales calls interrupting my Beethoven ~ I listen to classical music when I am trying to calm the savage beast that has claimed my soul. Today’s interruption went something like this:

Caller: Could I bore you with a 20-30 minute drone of my product?

Me: Could you please hold? (I then sat the receiver by my speaker and cranked up the Borodin string quartet playing No. 11, OP95 “Quartetto Serioso”) Which I feel was wonderful of me.  I don’t normally share my quality music time with others, but I think they appreciated my generosity. For they stayed on and listened with me for almost 20 minutes.

6.) Crickets, locusts, or whatever the hell is making that dreadful noise outside my window. Maybe it is Joan’s  cicadas.

7.) Cravings for things that I know I cannot have ~ My Dad is out of the country, so of course I need a hug from him … Right Now.

de-de-de-delirious…

8.) Wannabe comedians practicing their routines in my office ~ “No, I do not have an elevator in my office.” “I don’t know why you think you are hearing elevator music coming from here.” (and you would not recognize class if it bitch slapped you)

9.) My watch ~ As beautiful as it looks on my wrist, the blasted thing is making me itch. EVERYTHING is making me itch — Breathing is making me itch.

10.) Today is April 3rd and I don’t have another paid holiday until May 26th ~ That is 53 days away! Fuck, Shit, and Damn… I am not going to make it.

Peri-menopausal women get a free pass on cursing cuz we are de-de-de-delirious!

Mr. J said that I cannot use this as an open excuse to be bitchy

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

*insert homicidal laughter*

De-de-de-delirous

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today I wanted to thank you for being my teacher, my hero, my Dad.

Thank you for helping me catch my first fish.

Thank you for teaching me how to fix a flat tire on my bike.

Thank you for coming over and showing me how to replace a broken window pane.

(and then replacing all of the broken panes in that old house for me.)

It was simple acts of love such as that, which gave me hope when I was feeling so discouraged.

Thank you for teaching me how to shine your Army boots.

Not so much the act of shining the boots… But, you taught me to take pride in the work that I do.

I was young, and you could have finished the boots yourself.

But, you took the time to teach me how to do a job the right way. 

This simple act gave me self confidence in my work and taught me to see a project thru to the end. 

Thank you for always being there with a hug and praise for a job well done.

Thank you for making me feel like a fabulous cook when you ate my rolls. 

Thank you for taking the time from your day to watch me run.

No matter how I placed, it felt wonderful to see your smiling face on the sidelines. 

Thank you for picking me up at the end of my paper route and buying me hot cocoa and a donut.

I still smile and think of you when I eat a maple long john. 

Thank you for pointing me in the right direction and then stepping back and letting me fall

and being there for support as I rose back up and accomplished every tough task in front of me.

A daughter could never have asked for or been blessed with a better Dad.

You were tough and taught me to be tough.

Yet, you were kind and taught me to love. 

Thank you Dad, without your guidance I would be floundering.

Thank you Dad … for never giving up on me.

I love you.

Happy Birthday … You are the best!