Where the heck are all the batteries?

November 4, 2008

I swear… I cannot find two batteries that have enough charge to allow me to click one little picture of my bed. WTH?

I have searched high and low through this house; removing the batteries from the smoke detectors. Not one was strong enough to turn my camera on.  (which makes me wonder if they are too tired to alert me should I burn down the kitchen?)

I dumped the batteries out of my TV, stereo, and DVD remotes… Not enough juice to electrocute a gnat. (although, the amount needed for that experiment has yet to be tested by me)

I even went as far as to go through my special drawer in the night stand and try out the batteries in my special toys.  But, after I was through testing the toys I forgot what I was looking for… hehehe.

Tonight I will stop by the store and restock my battery supply. Oy, life is an never ending challenge.


Back at the Gym

October 29, 2008

OK, that is a blatant lie. I am not back at the gym and do not foresee going any time in the near (or far) future. I do remember what it was like when I finally made myself go back and day two was the hardest. I was mildly sore, could not yet see the effects of working out, and I just wanted to sleep in…

That is where I am today with my blogging. Day Two of getting back into it.

And my mind is mildly sore. No, my mind is mildly empty. And I want to go back to bed rather than attempt wit.

Which reminds me…. Tomorrow I am posting picks of my new bed. You climb up in it. (yes, you have to climb as the blasted mattress seems to be about 3ft deep.) I usually take a running leap to get in. But, once you make it to the summit, the bed envelopes you in a cloud of comfy heaven. It feels so nice that I am often watching the clock in the evenings, waiting impatiently for an appropriate hour to climb in and exhale. I have been told that 4:30pm is too early to go to bed… Mr. J is a kill-joy.

Correction ~ I have to be careful because if I go to bed too early Mr. J takes it as a sexual come-on. Come to think of it, Mr. J thinks my breathing is a sexual come-on. So, I am trying not to do that so often around him.

Speaking of the fabulous Mr. J…. Last night he was in an accident. He is ok. He was just a bit traumatized when a semi, going an estimated 80mph, slammed into the back of his fuel truck pushing him dangerously close to the edge of the Bridge embankment.

Beltway 8 - Ship Channel Bridge

Beltway 8 - Ship Channel Bridge

He sat at an angle looking down at the water below him and thanked the powers that be that he was able to keep control of his truck. The other driver claimed that someone jumped out in front of him… although all witnesses dispute his ‘story.’ 

Needless to say, we did not get much sleep last night… and that is my excuse for rambling today…

Tadaaaaaaaaaaaaaa – day two of posting is now complete!

Excuse me while I pass out across my desk and catch a few zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Doing a Drive-by

October 28, 2008

Howdy Peeps…

Live is a highway… And I have been caught in the fast lane for the past few months.

Here is a recap of sorts:

Hurricane Ike blew through (pics will follow as soon as I find my camera… I promise)

Wait! I have one pic on this computer.

Bosss Truck in the canal

Boss's Truck in the canal

We only had to go a few days without water and a couple more without power… Other than that it was not too bad. I did have the opportunity to cook gourmet dinners on the bar-b-q pit. Yummy red beans and rice, chicken grilled every way imaginable, and a delightful peach cobbler in the dutch oven.

We called our adventure; Camping in The Hood

Others did not have it so good. Temper flew as mental midgets could not fathom the concept of a Four-Way stop. After dealing with one too many morons, I coined the term PDD. Personality Deficit Disorder… A condition conducive to riots.

We got to actually use the generator and eat some of our emergency food. (The twinkies and champagne will need to be restocked) And I did not have to shoot any looters… So, all in all it was not too bad.

On a very HAPPY note: We moved into our Dream Home!


The J Family Abode

The J Family Abode


Yesterday after work I raked leaves… In my front yard… and I didn’t have to pack my gun! It is incredible to be able to work and play in my own yard without the fear of being attacked. Every day I come home change into my play clothes and roll around in the yard…

And… last week the appliance guy stood me up, leaving me with a dishasher and wine cooler in the middle of my kitchen. So, I did what any semi-sane woman would have done. I installed them myself.

Actually, the main reason that I installed them was because Mr. J gave me specific orders not to do it. And, well……… I am a rebel and get a tad bit persnickety when Mr. J talks to me like I am five years old.


My new kitchen... (yes, the dishwasher REALLY works) 🙂

Hopefully, I will get back into the hang of posting. I will be swinging by and catching up on all of my reading over the next couple days.

Big Hugs to all! (thanks for the notes and emails… Ya’ll ROCK!

I almost forgot (again). You know you are getting old when you forget birthdays… Is it dementia when you forget your own? I had no idea it was my birthday today until a friend called. D’oh


July 15, 2008

(Spoken in my best pirate voice)

I am stuck in some sort of slow motion picture show. I can feel every demented tick of the clock on the wall.

We have submitted a bid for our very own little box made out of ticky tacky…

(Billy Bob version just for Red)

I adore this home almost to the point of being in ‘lust’ with it. Yes, I believe I creamed a tad bit when we walked through the front door.

It will need some gentle prodding (with a hammer and crow bar) to bring it out of the 70’s.

… And as excited as Mr. J is to see the floor to ceiling mirrors in the master bedroom, they must go. Nothing breaks the mood faster than catching my reflection while in the throes of passion and thinking; “Holy shit, I make weird faces during the humpity-hump.”

… And then utilizing the remainder of the ‘ride’ to vogue in front of the mirror.

Nah, the mirrors will be moved to the work-out room.

This is insane! I have no idea if we will get the house, yet I have all 3116 square feet of living space already furnished and decorated in my mind.

Now, if someone would just hit the fast forward button and have the seller accept our bid.

Until then I am working extra hours, submerging myself in challenging projects such as  this special project to keep my brain from frying.

… There’s a green one, and a pink one, and a blue one, and a yellow one… and they’re all made out of ticky tacky and I want MINE!

The things we do for Love

July 9, 2008

We have all been there. (Please tell me I am not alone in my crazy acts of love)


This morning was just one of those times… 4:30 in the morning, I had just finished cooking Mr. J’s breakfast of chorizo and egg burritos, wrapped them in foil for him to eat on his drive in to work. I packed his lunch, gave him a kiss, and pushed him out the door.


I then turned to clean up the breakfast dishes and noticed his burritos were sitting on the counter. Quickly scooping them up, I flew out the door and ran down the street waving my arms to get his attention. I was dressed, errrr… rather not dressed for my morning sprint in one of his T-shirts, a pair of his boxer shorts and my very own bare feet.


I did not even stop to think (uhhh no kidding, huh?) that anyone who might be out and about would be calling the police. I just knew that I had to get his attention before he reached the end of the block. Just before he reached the stop sign, Mr. J looked in his rear view mirror and saw me running down the middle of the street with my arms flailing like an albatross on crack.


It was not a matter of trying to prove anything… I just did not want him to start his day without breakfast. It’s All Love!  


Is it love that makes us lose some our senses, such as common sense?


It must be love. If not, I would have sat at the table and enjoyed his burritos while sipping another cup of coffee.


It is love that has us tasting the special breakfast that our 5 year old child made for us on Mother’s Day or tasting their sticky lollypop when they wave it in front of us with begging eyes.


It is love that has us leaning down and letting our dog kiss us on the mouth. Ok, I quit doing this after watching my beloved Chance lick his balls. I KNOW where his tongue has been.


It is love that turns the silly annoyances of our loved ones into acts of endearment; such as my son pretending to ‘air’ box me every time I walk by. This reminds me, it is love that has him slipping a bottle of vitamin water into my lunch everyday.


And it is love that has them taking out the trash without being asked. Ok, that one might be the product of constant nagging in prior years…


I am curious to hear what crazy things you may have done, without hesitating to consider the risks, out of LOVE. 

(I am going to try and catch up on comments and everyones blogs today and tomorrow…)   

Not Really a Post

July 8, 2008

The title makes the assumption that some of my posts are indeed legitimate posts… Yeah, that is a reach.

Just a quick note to say; I’m back home.

The lake was fantastic.

The weather was fantastic.

The mule ride was awesomeness at its pinnacle. I will post pictures when I get caught up.

The mosquitoes were minimal.

The mimosas were overindulged. (if that is possible)

The steaks were grilled to perfection.

The drive was a trip! I navigated and managed to route all 289 miles and avoid Interstates completely.  *Side note* Some of the small towns we travelled through left us humming the theme song to the movie Deliverance.

The sex was… None of y’all business… 😉 (but yes, it too rocked!)

We ate too much, laughed too much, and slept too much!

In other words; A perfect vacation!

I’m not really here…

July 2, 2008

Shhhhh…. I am supposed to be packing. But, I had to share a funny with you before I head out of town.

Mr. J is always riding my ass about my procrastination issues. This little trip is no different. He started almost three weeks ago asking me if I had packed our bags for the lake.

UH NO… Who in the hell packs three weeks before they leave? I don’t even know what I will feel like wearing until 15 minutes before I head out the door.

In order to get him to stop hounding me, I made him a bet. I bet that I would have all the bags packed before I go to bed tonight. If we get up in the morning and we are not ready to go, I will have to give him a blow job each and every day for an entire month.

Well, I am packed… COMPLETELY. I just finished.

Now, I am deciding whether or not to unpack some of the stuff on purpose.

Yeah… Our mini-vacation is long over due.

Ya’ll have a safe 4th of July… I’ll be back on Monday or Tuesday.


Drugs are Bad, mkay…

July 2, 2008

For the past three days I have been on mega doses of Benadryl, fighting an allergic reaction to pineapple juice.

*Note to self – When someone says they don’t think a particular food is in something that they want to sell, walk away. No, run away… What they really mean is that it probably is in their product, but they really need to sell their shit and your possible death should not get in the way of them making a sale.

I knew better than to sample something if I was not positive of the contents, yet I took a swig.

Sunday I was in the ER getting diphenhydramine injected into my butt cheek to stop the swelling of my bronchial tissues. It also worked wonders on the itchy eye lids, throat, ears, lips, nose, fingers, stomach…

Today, I am still taking Benadryl but in smaller doses… It is the side effects that are tough to deal with.

The Head Aches, Chills, and Dry Mouth; I can handle it…

The Dizziness, Confusion, and Sleepiness; Well, that is me on a regular basis…

BUT—– The Nausea andIRRITABILITY (bet you couldn’t tell I have been irritable lately…) have been hell for me and those in close contact with me. By the way, puking only makes me more grumpy.

Yes, Drugs are bad… even when they are prescribed. The good news is, tomorrow is my last day on the Benadryl and just maybe… I won’t puke or bite Mr. J’s head off on the way to the cabin.

Poor Mr. J… I might need to stop by the toy store and pick up some of those yummy eddible undies for the trip. Of course his cannot be flavored with pineapple.

At the end of this  clip  Jon Stewart shares a tip on enjoying edible underwear.

Overlook me for a few…

July 1, 2008

Warning: Today’s post is a rant… it is not pretty nor is it witty… Just getting shit off my chest.



Joe Horn Cleared by Grand Jury


I give Mr. Horn two thumbs up. It is because of this case that we have made pacts with some of our neighbors. We will shoot to kill to protect each other and each other’s property.


For those of you who live in Mayberry neighborhoods, I am very happy for you.

We don’t and we are not going to sit idly by while criminals continue to molest our neighborhood.


Last month we had three murders in as many weeks within two blocks of my front door and numerous home invasions, robberies, and car thefts. Between rivaling gangs, illegal aliens, and Katricians we have had enough.


If a son-of-a-bitch breaks into my home or my car, he better pray that neither I nor my neighbors are home.


Until criminals realize that we are not going to back down, they will continue to hold us hostage.


For those who ask, “Do you feel robbery is a justifiable reason to kill another person?” I say yes.


I do not allow the mosquito on my arm to steal my blood without trying to kill it. Neither would I allow the leaches to society to steal my property without trying my best to eliminate them. 


I will change my stance when a more viable solution is implemented which deters such acts. Perhaps we should take something from third world countries and lop off a limb??? 


This was not always my stand… But I am tired.


I get up every morning and go to work, rain or shine. I would prefer to sit on the sofa and sip Mimosas while flipping thru the morning news paper. I would prefer to spend my afternoons in the park watching the squirrels chase each other around the trees.


Alas, I have a mortgage, a car note, a light bill, and the desire to eat without relying on what is found in the dumpster behind Fogo’s. Short of going on welfare, I will need to work for another 15 or so years. I am ok with this…

But, I am tired.


I am tired of watching my back for thugs who are preying on the inattentive. I am tired of double checking my locks when my dogs are going nuts. I am tired of criminals being handed light sentences and then being set free to continue on their path of robbing, burglarizing, raping, and killing the unsuspecting.


I sincerely hope a four day weekend of Mimosas and S’mores will adjust my attitude and put me at peace… Right now, I just don’t see it happening.

We are slipping away…

June 30, 2008

This will be an abbreviated posting week because Mr. J and I have finally gathered together enough of our loose marbles to coordinate a 4-day weekend!


A weekend at Bernie’s… No wait, there will be no dead bodies, just Mr. J and me; swatting skeeters, sipping brew, and passing out nekkid. (Hopefully in our cabin and not in a paddle boat on the lake)


 The Lake


We asked D (boy child numero uno) to come with us, but he ardently declined. He may have even thrown in a few curse words to make his point.  Something was muttered about living in a tent for 30-something months in Iraq and there was no way in hell he would ever camp again on purpose.


He sees no need to purposely subject himself to an uncomfortable bed, mosquitoes, charred food, and lack of proper plumbing. And then he smirked about whether or not our cell phones would get service, the lack of television, and no internet connections.


I am stumped because those are the very reasons I want to go. We will not be plugged into anything or have anyone dependent upon us for four blissful days. I want to be lulled to sleep by the drone of nature. I am anxiously anticipating the adventure of chopping my own firewood, grilling burgers over the coals, and making S’mores.


Seriously, that boy is not right in the head. Who, in their right mind, could ever turn their back on the opportunity to indulge in the melty goodness of S’mores?  


 (this picture ganked from www.loveandoliveoil.com/2007/09/homemade-mars… )


I know deep down that he wants to go with us, but he also needs a break from watching his mommy and daddy play kissy-face.  


Even Mr. J is into the spirit of the campout. I asked him to stop by Spec’s to pick us up a couple bottles of wine and or some good beer for next weekend. He came home with six bottles of wine, three bottle of champagne, a large bottle of Gray Goose, a bottle of Crown Royal and a couple six-packs of Grolsch beer. Do you think he is trying to tell me something? Egads, one of us will need to be sober enough to paddle the boat and beat off   …


 The Strangers.