Owning Up…

“Will the Real Slim Shady” please stand up?

Sorry Em, but I am using your brilliance to make a blogosphere funny. Yes, Em -n- Me have convos all the time. No, he is not aware of our chats. I am sure he would like to be a more active part, but life is bogarting his time.

Alrighty, now that apologies to the Em-meister are complete, lets get back to the issue at hand.

Who the Hell is Fucking up the system? (It is so easy to get in my cursing quota these days)  

Do you need me to spell it out for you? You know what you have done and are now cowering over your bowl of Capt. Crunch, trying to brush them away… pretending to the city that they have absolutely nothing to do with you.

I Know Better.

The giant swarms of black house flies are not an infestation, Oh no. It is not a matter of heat and very little rain. You can try and chump it off on Mother Nature, but we know it is your doing.

You know that you are the root of this plague of ‘Bastages’ (Mr. J’s word) and we want you to fess up. There is no reason the entire city should suffer.

This morning alone, I killed eleven of the flying disease bags. Eleven!

Please stand up… Please stand up…

Confess, what it was that you did to make the Heavens open up and cast these lip buzzing-maggot producing-feces loving scourge upon us?

(This picture ganked from Thinksimian )

We are not going to hurt you. No, we would prefer to tie you to a tree (far from my yard) dip you in shit and let the flies have a comfy place to congregate other than my kitchen.

This is as close of am image as I can find that depicts what I imagine for the sinner in hiding.

This picture was ganked from Myspace 


10 Responses to “Owning Up…”

  1. Allison Says:

    Bastages is one of my very favorite words. I dread the day it gets repeated in daycare.

  2. Wendy Says:

    I hate flies so much. My most hated are the big black ones you’re talking about, and those vicious horse flies. If even a single fly makes its way into our house we stop everything we’re doing until we hunt it down and kill it. PS – Bastages is a great word.

  3. Girly Says:

    *shudders* anything that flies and buzzes and eats poop deserves to die!!

  4. Taoist Biker Says:

    My son went into a tizzy last night because a fly got into the house, hollering “Kill it! Kill it!”

    I decided to have some fun with this. Teasing my son is my second full-time job, after all.

    “Do I have to kill him? What if I just call the police and have him thrown in jail for trespassing?”

    “NO! Kill it!”

    “What if I just beat him up and throw him into the street?”


    “Not even if I grab his wallet? OOOOOH, what about torture! We could torture him a while and ask him questions…”

    At this point Dys joins in with “JUST KILL THE THING ALREADY!”


  5. Sarah Says:

    I hate flies. I relish the moment when they get caught between the screen and the storm window. I do so love to watch them die so close to freedom. (I’m afraid that this makes me some kind of psycho)

  6. Peter Parkour Says:

    I would not want to be a fly on the wall in your house. 😉 Great video. 😛

  7. trishatruly Says:

    I’m not sure where you live, but here in NE Pennsylvania the DCNR (Dept. of Conservation and Natural Resources) released Compsilura conncinata flies to help control gypsy moths from 1964 -2000. These nasty bastages have been especially terrible this year.
    I can’t stand to be outside in the sunshine these past few weeks. The damned flies are all over you! YUCK!!

  8. joanharvest Says:

    I loved the video. I normally listen to classic rock but I happen to love Eminem. Loved his movie “8 Mile” too.

    I had a fly in the house yesterday buzzing around me but he seems to be gone today. We have the 17 year cicadas that are huge this year. You drive down the road and they smash into your windows like hail hitting a car. You go outside and it’s the loudest noise you hear like a constant chainsaw going. Thank goodness they only crawl out of their holes every 17 years.

  9. betme Says:

    Allison ~ I think you are going to need to find a good “sounds like” word that you can use to explain your daughters future oopses. Packages… Yes, you can tell people that she meant to say packages.

    Wendy ~ Thankfully we have not had any horse flies. Those things are wicked. Our house fills with flies every time I open the door. Thankfully the A/C is set really cold and the flies cannot move very fast.

    Girly ~ 😀 you said eats poop. 😀

    Taoist B ~ hahahahahaha… WTG on suggesting that the police should be called! Maybe even a SWAT team as they do not go willingly.

    Sarah ~ I like the way you think… Torture the bastages!

    Spidey ~ I would hope as a spidey, you would be eating the flies on my wall. 😉

    Trisha ~ That is crazy. Now the government needs to incorporate some spiders to eat the flies. “There was an old woman who sw….” Never mind.

    Joan ~ I am an Eminem fan as well. His lyrics get caught in my head and bounce around for days.

    I am happy that we only have a few of those cicadas around here. I suggest that you wait until they go back in their holes and you plug them suckers up for good.

  10. mistermanly Says:

    Hi b,

    On the bright side, swatting flys is a good way to improve your eye-hand coordination. Plus, if you can hit them in flight, it’s sort of like playing tennis.

    Mister Manly

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