Fighting the Monkey

I have an addiction. I am not speaking of my love for the chocolates, the internet, the sex, the Chargers,      Well, I have several addictions but I was referring to my chemical dependency on caffeine.

 

I have battled the Monkey for years. Earlier this year I was able to stop drinking coffee for a whole three weeks,  proving to myself that I could win. Then I was faced with the unsightly tighter-fitting clothes, as I no longer had the appetite suppressant surging thru my veins.

 

Vanity verses good health will always be a struggle with me, especially when my drug of choice helps me in my fight against weight gain.

 

I am really happy that I don’t have an actual MONKEY on my back: 😀

 

 

Not wanting to cop out on fighting the caffeine issue, I decided to once again peruse the internet for an easy solution and found many, many, many, many, many sites. Here are a few:

 

The ever popular 12 Step Program. For those who are serious about gaining control.

 

8 Tips – Wonderful suggestions with a few less numbers to remember.

 

7 Tools – Again worth checking out and a bonus of even one less step.

 

3 Steps – Now we are getting closer to a program I can manage. Just one, two three and I am on my way.

 

And then this morning I stumbled into a One-Step program… It is called “Scared the Fuck Straight.”

 

I may Never drink another cup of coffee EVER again.

 

I poured my coffee, added a sprinkle of sugar and dumped in a bucket of delicious (not) powdered creamer. … Reached for the spoon to stir, looked down at my cup… and screamed like a little girl being chased by the Texas Chain Saw dude.

 

I have mentioned in the past I am not afraid of spiders, but those disgusting water roaches will have me climbing on my desk. And I had a giant roach bastid (Thanks for the proper pronunciation), about three inches long, thrashing in my coffee cup.

 

Creamer, sugar, coffee, and part of my heart which had ruptured went flying all over the break room. My coffee cup is in shards, partially embedded into the wall. I learned that I can scale a wall with ease when aided by adrenalin. (I also learned that the ‘fight or flight’ hormone, epinephrine begins the breakdown of lipids in fat cells… BONUS!)

 

The guys came running from the shop as my screams left them fearing I was being murdered. The little ass huge ass roach almost gave me a heart attack.

 

 

Now excuse me while I go make a fresh cup of coffee to steady my nerves… Oooops, I suppose I should try the 12 Step program.

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16 Responses to “Fighting the Monkey”

  1. joanharvest Says:

    I don’t mean to laugh at your desperate plight to withdraw from caffeine but this made me laugh. A LOT!!! You remind me so much of my sister. She not only drinks coffee but tons of diet coke with caffeine. She’s trying to quit smoking now so I don’t think she’ll be quitting caffeine any time soon. Bugs in coffee–Yuck! especially big ones. Those basdids!!

  2. Girly Says:

    My coffee nearly came out my nose!!! 😆 The image of that was so funny… I am the same as you when it comes to roaches..and especially in my coffee!!! *shudders*
    I think under the circumstances.. you handled yourself very well. 🙂

  3. Just a Mom Says:

    I feel your pain! I hate those stupid water roaches! But sorry, I had to laugh at your expense! I can just picture you cup flying across the room!

  4. MJ Says:

    That still would not turn me away from the wonder drug. Thanks for the giggle!

  5. Wendy Says:

    I’m so totally hip to your caffeine addiction. I need coffee wicked bad in the morning so I always set the timer on the coffee machine. This morning I had to get up at 5:30 to do something for work and discovered THE COFFEE MACHINE WAS BROKEN. I started screaming at the dog and then I actually put my head down on the counter and sobbed. Then I guzzled about a gallon of Diet Coke before I remembered that I have a stovetop espresso pot, which saved my life.

    That monkey video, which was simultaneously gross and hilarious, reminded me of how “world explorer” Jeff Corwin of the Animal Planet is terrified of monkeys. Have you ever seen him around a monkey? It’s really funny.

    @ Joan – In Barbara’s defense, in the afternoons she’s always cutting the high tess with decaff. I HATE THIS. Whenever she offers me a cup of coffee I have to question her about it and I believe she lies to me. And how come she NEVER has ice? Ask her that, ask her why the hell she never has any ice in that house. The last time I was there her ice cube tray was filled with semi-dehydrated ice that I HAD MADE on Christmas Eve the year before! What’s wrong with her?!

  6. Angela Says:

    fuckfuckFUCK! Your story alone scared ME! I would have screeched SO loud and probably burned myself with the coffee I spilled.

    But luckily, caffeine and I have an aversion to each other (I had a panic attack two years ago after pulling an all-nighter and using caffeine to help), so now I’m decaf. But YIKES!

  7. Peter Parkour Says:

    Caffeine is good… I mean bad… I mean good, I mean bad… I mean, I feel your pain. 😦 Just say no to caffeine, roaches and monkey spooge. 😉

  8. trishatruly Says:

    I never knew how strong my addiction to caffeine was until a few years ago when I started having some serious heart palpitations and the doctor cut me off caffeine all together. For a week I was SICK! I had headaches, the shakes, I was a total bitch to be around! I finally found an amount of caffeine I could live with so that’s what I do.
    Good luck. You may need it.

  9. romi41 Says:

    hahaha…I missed my morning latte for but one day and I passed out at my computer…never again 😉

  10. kaylee Says:

    i will stick with my caffeine and no roaches in it 😉

  11. maleesha Says:

    That’s CREEPY. I will admit that before I took the next sip, I looked down. Ugh.

  12. betme Says:

    Joan ~ I wonder if I could quit ingesting caffeine if I take up smoking. Ok, maybe not a good alternative. I feel for your sister (when is she going to start blogging?) The nicotine will be a lot tougher to shake than caffeine.

    Girlie ~ Thanks for the vote of approval. (and I am sorry for making you strain your coffee through your nasal passages.) That would give a whole new meaning to ‘drip’ coffee.

    JAMom ~ I think we are going to leave the embedded cup in the wall as a warning to the rest of the ‘basdids.’

    Wendy
    ~ I would be sobbing like a baby if my coffee was not brewed when I walk into the kitchen. I am glad you had a back-up plan. I have some instant CRAP, just incase we lose power and I am forced to heat up water on the bar-b-que grill. Mr. J said he can see me chewing a wad of ground coffee beans and cussing, and spitting… when I am 90 years old, sitting in my rocker on the front porch.

    I need to Google Jeff Corwin … A good laugh at someone ELSE’s expense is always worth the internet search.

    Angela ~ FUCK! panic attacks are no joke. If I had to switch to decaf, I would be a mess. I only drink coffee for the caffeine, the taste is just barely tolerable.

    Spidey ~ That is just it. I have no problem saying no to monkey spooge. Maybe I could step away from the coffee if they began using monkeys to make my creamer. 😀

    Trisha ~ I went through the same crap when I stopped drinking coffee for a few weeks. The chills, vomiting, and exploding headaches are no joke. Moderation is the key… But, what starts out as a cup a day, quickly builds to a pot a day. Kind of like sex… if a little is good.. a lot is… addictive!

    Romi ~ Did you wake up with little keyboard symbols stamped into your face?

    Kaylee ~ You are wise beyond your years. Roaches add very little to the overall smoothness of a cup of Java.

    Maleesha (cool name) ~ Very wise! I now cover and uncover my cup between every sip…

  13. Allison Says:

    I would have done the same thing. In fact, when Zoe was just a wee puppy, I dropped her on her head on hardwood floors (yes, I still feel guilty for that, but I don’t think I caused any permanent damage) when I felt a daddy long legs crawling on my arm. I’m a big chicken when it comes to spiders and a very bad dog mommy.

  14. Don Smith Says:

    I am a big time coffee fan, they can have it all, but they are not getting my coffee.

    http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-06-16-coffee-heart-disease_N.htm

    Check it out.

    DS

  15. K. Trainor Says:

    {eyeballs the cuppa java on her desk for winged intruders} Funny / Creepy post!

  16. Sarah Says:

    Eeewwww, and yet I still will not give up my coffee either.

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