For the Ladies…

A Public Service Announcement!

 

If you are a guy and you are still reading, you might want to go ahead and mosey on over to one of the excellent blogs in my side bar. It is not that I don’t love ya’ll as much as the ladies. I am merely trying to shelter you a bit from the unpleasantries of the female menstrual cycle, known as the CURSE…

 

After ten plus years, Mr. J is still squeamish on this topic so I will assume that men in general would rather back out … Here is your chance… Bye bye

 

Saturday we began our annual June Hurricane preparedness – mad stock and inventory ritual. Making sure to stock up on every thing that is important to us… Water, ammo, duct tape, canned goods, Twinkies, charcoal briquettes and lighter fluid, beef jerky, Ziploc baggies, tequila, Band-Aids, toilet paper, Diet Dr. Pepper, bug spray, hatchet, candles, hip waders, matches, Pringles, batteries, sanitary wipes, gas cans,  Maxi-pads and tampons.

 

The feminine products were an after-thought, but a very important addition. If the world is going to hell and Al Qaida, the Zulu Warriors, or Wendy’s Zombies  have over-run the city, (or the slight chance that we have a hurricane or a tornado) I want to be sure I have enough feminine supplies on hand.

 

Some might laugh, but I will be the one chuckling while the rest of the women in town are cutting up their favorite T-shirts and making the old fashioned rag-type panty guards.

 

I am a planner extraordinaire.

 

So I am at the store (NOT Wal-mart) to snag a few large boxes of Playtex Super-Plus tampons.  I remember reading an article by some dumb ass gynecologist, who stated that women lose about two tablespoons of blood per cycle. He also said that women tend to whine too much about the amount of blood that they lose. I would like to punch this guy in the face. I would also like to pack up my blood soaked tampons and pads and ship them to him. Two Tablespoons… BAH! I lose that much in one sitting if I sneeze while I am on my period.

 

I think my average is closer to a pint.

 

Back to the Public Service Announcement: The Super-Plus Tampons hold 12-15 grams of bloody body fluids. Playtex has come out with a new Ultra Tampon that claims to hold 15-18 grams. I am stoked! I might be able to make it more than 30 minutes before being flooded out! click here for a free sample

 

One day, perhaps soon, I will go ahead and let my doctor take out my uterus and evict my Auntie Flo once and for all. However, my company goes berserk when I take more than four consecutive days off. They would lose their minds if I had to take off several weeks.

 

Anyway, my hurricane kit is once again ready… Bring on the rains.

 

*Side Note:  Mr. J also threw in a bottle of Excedrin Migraine. He said there was no way he was going to give up sex just because I have a headache. (Who cares that the zombies are climbing thru the windows?)

 

 (This picture ganked from www.myspace.com/zombiedouchebag )

 

Advertisements

21 Responses to “For the Ladies…”

  1. Just a Mom Says:

    I, too, have those personal items ready for the next State of Emergency. But, I also have toilet paper in my survival kit! 🙂

  2. Just a Mom Says:

    Oops just re-read your post, you have TP as well! My husband thinks that is a strange thing to have for some reason!

  3. betme Says:

    JAMom ~ Your hubby will be thanking you when the need arises for your well packed kit. 😉

  4. Taoist Biker Says:

    Like I could resist a post entitled “For the ladies?” I need up-to-date intelligence at all times, you know.

    Seriously? I’m 34, I’ve been married for 10 years, and I think I can deal with menstruation by now. Although I do confess, I don’t think I’ve ever been sent to the store to buy feminine hygiene products myself. Not that I’d be eager to do so, but I think I could have.

    Moot point now, though. Interesting how after all those years she suddenly notices that the house suddenly isn’t cold all the time! 😀

  5. Taoist Biker Says:

    And suddenly I used suddenly twice in the same sentence, suddenly appearing like even more of a moron than I usually am.

  6. Girly Says:

    Way to plan ahead! I would also like to punch whatever doctor that was! 2 tablespoons? Whatever! Thanks for the tip on the Ultra Tampons.. I could have used something like that last year in Mexico..climbing a waterfall, on the first day of my period, with a trail of people behind me… not a pretty site! Now, that I have embarrassed myself, I will leave… great blog btw! 🙂

  7. betme Says:

    Taoist B ~ Mr. J once asked a couple women in the tampon isle which type they thought he should buy! 😀 He hates to come home with the wrong item. I had to use word association to help him remember my brand —–

    Playtex… The tampons are going to be used in area that you like to PLAY… not tampax or kotex… but, PLAYtex. He remembers now.

    … I am a repeat offender of repeating words that seem to repeat in my head. Do you suddenly feel better? 😀

    Girly ~ Thanks for stopping by. I have been meaning to check out your blog for some time now… heading over in a few. Why is it that Auntie Flo rears her bitchy head at the most inopportune moments? (Not like there is a good time for her to drop in) Don’t worry; there is nothing you can say on my blog that would be considered out of the norm or embarrassing. 😉

  8. Peter Parkour Says:

    Skipped straight to the comments. Thanks for the warning. 😉

  9. Wendy Says:

    2 tablespoons! I am outraged. OUTRAGED! Are his patients all 12-years-old? And after you have kids, well, once you’ve had babies you can basically expect to be hemorrhaging every three weeks or so all the way up to menopause.

    I love this topic. I could talk about it forever. I had a friend whose hobby was doctor shopping, trying to find one who would remove her healthy uterus so she could stop menstruating. She never found one that I’m aware of, then she moved to Florida. Perhaps she had better luck there.

    Men don’t want to hear about your period, headaches, colds, or anything else that’s “wrong” with you. Sons are the same way. They will run from the room if you try and tell them you or their sister are having your period. Which, of course, you have at the same time. On “The Office” Dwight objected to the women having a private meeting because, he said, “If they stay in there too long, they’ll all get on the same menstrual cycle and it will wreak havoc on our plumbing.”

    The only man I’ve ever met who wanted to talk about periods was a completely psychotic bouncer at a nightclub where I was a bartender. One time I told him to get away from me because I felt awful, I’d been having my period for two solid weeks and I was ready to kill someone. He told me, “I’m really envious of you women because you get to menstruate, you feel the flow of life’s blood.” I told him he was a sick bastard and needed to go back to prison. Eventually, he did.

  10. Wendy Says:

    Oh, okay, I got so excited about periods I forgot to comment on your wonderful hurricane provisions. Good job! This stuff is totally necessary, and people who don’t live in hurricane regions can’t understand that the possibility of being left without power or good food and liquor for weeks is a scary-scary prospect. Congratulations on your wonderful preparedness! Hope you won’t need any of it. 🙂

  11. Allison Says:

    This is a subject near and dear to my heart this week. I almost beat up two sisters at McDonald’s this weekend for pushing my daughter out of the “bubble”. I sped through the network of tunnels to address the situation as soon as I saw it happen. I know that I should let her learn to cope with conflict, but my raging hormones were saying, “I’m going to serve you your liver with your McNuggets.” No more trips to playlands or playgrounds with my kid anytime near P-ville.

  12. betme Says:

    Spidey ~ A wise move… Just sit and be the Spidey on the wall for a few. 😉

    Wendy ~ I have never figured out how men can talk about the grossities (I love new words) of deer hunting, or beating someone bloody, or tossing chunks after a crazy party; yet they convulse if we mention our period.

    Maybe it is all in the timing. I shouldn’t bring it up at super, I suppose. 😀 I laugh my ass off because Mr. J freaks out if he reaches in my purse for one of my 30 or so pens and his hand brushes what he thinks might be a tampon wrapper. He will bring me my purse and ask me to get the pen, reeling in total disgust he’ll mutter, “I’m NOT going in there.”

    Yet, he will buy them at the store for me. I suppose once the box is opened the kryptonite is exposed and they become dangerous to the male touch.

    I hide small birthday gifts in empty tampon boxes under my bathroom sink. That is a place he will NEVER look unless he dons a pair of heavy leather gloves, surgical mask, and bar-b-que tongs.

    As for the hurricane survival supplies: It seems that the first things to fly from the store shelves when a hurricane is reported in the Gulf are water, bread, and beer. (Man can’t live by bread alone) 😉

    Allison ~ Hormonal rages only seem to intensify our dominant mindset. Being that you are very protective of your little one, and would like to shake the marbles from a person or two who upsets her on what would be a normal day, it is only fitting that you desire ripping their body parts out and feeding them to the offender when you are PMSing.

    I once flew off the handle about a comment Mr. J made. It was almost word for word the same thing we had laughed about a week prior. But, during the hormonal surge (also known as Vag-unami, due to the catastrophic disaster to all in the path) I screamed at him and then broke down in tears. He just stared at me as if to ask, “What the fuck happened to my wife and if you find her would you send her back?”

  13. mistermanly Says:

    Hi b,

    I am confused as to why you labeled this as just for the ladies. While my wife has had the big scoop, helping your partner cope with that time of the month is almost as manly as stepping on a rusty nail, pulling it out of your foot, and not bothering to go get a tetanus shot because, well, the germs just wouldn’t dare!

    As to the stock piling thing, that goes beyond nesting and into the realm of manliness. While it’s true that my wife has a 50 year supply of lipstick and shoes in reserve, I have accumulated and maintained all the other stuff necessary for surviving a year or so after the Big One. What ticks me off is that our Government, while they are most happy to try and control every other aspect of our lives, doesn’t make survival planning a requirement of every citizen.

    Mister Manly

  14. Red Says:

    aaahahha!!! So great, as usual.
    You usually sneeze out more than that? Aint that the frickin’ truth!!
    I think it’s hilarious how some men react. He’ll buy me pads and plugs, but show him a clot and he’s gagging. I think it’s funny as shit!

  15. trishatruly Says:

    Having grown up in hurricane territory (east coast of Florida) I can attest to your thoroughness as a planner! As a post-hysterectomy person I can also vouch for your inclusion of Zip-Lock bags. Something happens to a woman after menopause which causes her to NEED ZipLocks so as to bring order and keep freshness locked in to as many things as possible. I don’t understand it. It just is.

    Oh. and those zombies scared the crap outa me!!

  16. Taoist Biker Says:

    Hey Betme – yeah, I say this from time to time but the ONE WAY for my wife to make sure that a store is out of something is to ask for something very specifically. If she said “Buy me some tampons” they’d have everything. If she says “Buy me some Playtex extra absorbent” then the aisles would be crammed with every feminine hygiene product imaginable except for the bare-ass spot where the Playtex Extra Absorbent are supposed to live…leading me to make a cell phone call in the middle of the aisle to ask my wife what her backup plan would be. At which point my Man Card would be suspended, I’d be handed a purse to carry in public at all times, and a flashing neon “WHIPPED” sign would be installed on a scaffold above my head. 😉

  17. betme Says:

    Mr. Manly ~ So, what you are saying is that REAL MEN can cope with the delicacies of cramps, bloating and clots. I cannot wait to gently explain to Mr. J that he is a wuss and needs to buck up and face the leakage like a man! That will be a priceless moment in the J house.

    Kudos on the year supply! We have enough food to sustain us for about 6 months and enough water for about 3 months. I love you idea for national survival planning. I am going to feel bad if things go to hell and we only have enough supplies for our family. It appears that we are the only family on the block with a generator. That might make for some bad feelings when the power goes out and we are the only ones who can run the refrigerator and a fan or two.

    Red ~ You have actually been able to get him to look at a clot? Impressive.

    Trisha ~ I never associated my need for order as a possible symptom of my self diagnosed peri-menopausal state. It makes perfect sense.

    As to the zombies; I am not a fan of them either, with the exception of the movie “Shaun of the Dead.” I LUV this movie.

    Taoist B ~ I have had the “whipped” conversation on many occasions with Mr. J and I stand firm behind my resolve, that it can never be considered “whipped” if a husband does something for his wife out of love. Now if your lovely wife were to berate you into buying her some pads and you complied, that would be construed as ‘whipped’ in my book.

    But, of course, knowing that you love your wife and want her to be happy; you would never let a situation reach the point of belittling each other for compliance, right? 😉

  18. Wendy Says:

    Points to Taoist Biker for even knowing the existence of “Playtex extra absorbent.”

  19. K. Trainor Says:

    “I cannot wait to gently explain to Mr. J that he is a wuss and needs to buck up and face the leakage like a man! ”

    BAhahahahahaha!!! My dh once sent our (then) 7 year old into a store ALONE in order to buy tampons for me. (Her stared through the front window like a weirdo to keep an eye on her.)

    And I’m with ya on punching that doctor in the face. He rates right up there with the male gyno who told me periods get lighter during perimenopause, not heavier. Dumbass. Where do we line up?

  20. Sarah Says:

    Sneeze, cough, burp, breathe too hard and I’m right there with ya. 2 tablespoons my ass. I’m going to have to check out these Ultras. In your words, I’m stoked.

  21. SK Says:

    Excellent storm provisions!

    But 2 Tablespoons?

    *cough* BULL SHIT.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: