What Ifs…

Randomness at it’s Best


First I am apologizing for not keeping up on the various blogs lately. Hell froze over…and I have been snowed under. That does not even make sense, but I am flying on tangents and am going to shoot this crap from my head while it is almost coherent.


Last night I put on some fancy cold crème and climbed into bed. This is a first time experience for me and from the WTF look that Mr. J shot my direction it might take some getting used to. I decided that I do not want my face to look like this:


(This picture was ganked from buffalodreaming.com/sacredlands.html )

So he is going to need to close his eyes and pucker up and kiss me dammit. He won’t admit saying anything bad, but I distinctly heard the words “Granny” and “My Mother” being muttered from his side of the bed.


What if he woke up in the morning and it was his granny in bed beside him? J


Thinking back to the time I drove from Twin Falls, Idaho to Hebo, Oregon with my then 10 month old son. Just the baby and I cruising down I-84… About 650 miles, not stopping unless I needed gas or to potty. When David would get too fidgety I would hand him red licorice to munch on. Not the brightest thing to do, but I was only 21 and enjoyed learning from my mistakes.


(This picture was ganked from http://kassieandjose.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default )


Somewhere around La Grande, Oregon he became increasingly whiney… So I stopped, unbuckled him from his car seat and let him snuggle on my lap while I drove. We made it about 40 more miles when he puked about a pound of licorice all over the both of us.


I miss those drives across the country… I made one before with David when he was 5 months old… From Twin Falls, Idaho to Worland, Wyoming – 500 miles, stopping again for gas and to feed and change him. I never worried about crazies on the highway… Weird now that I think back on it. I had so very few fears.


It is not that I was never faced with crazies on the highway…

Just 3 months pregnant with him, I was driving about 150 miles to my grandparents and had some sick pervert pull up beside me and honked his horn. I looked over and he was stroking himself. This guy scared me. It did not matter if I sped up or slowed down, he was right beside me on the interstate, honking and signaling for me to pull over. I was rescued by a truck driver, who was caught behind us. The trucker flashed his headlights at me and then slowly pulled to the shoulder. I too pulled to the shoulder and the truck driver rolled up to my bumper and got out to check on me. After explaining what was happening, he agreed to follow me all the way to my Grandparents’ exit to make sure the guy did not harass me any longer.   


So much could have gone wrong, Makes ya wonder about the ‘what ifs…’


Another ‘what if’ that I was thinking about this morning…


I almost killed my ex husband.  We had only been married a couple years and David was just a few months old. The Dummy was working in Oregon (that is why I made the interstate drives by myself). He called me one night and said he was not coming home that particular weekend. I tucked David into bed and fell asleep myself.


About 2:00 in the morning I was awakened by my bedroom window being opened. I was in a trance of sorts when I slipped to a kneeling position by my bed, picked up the 22 rifle, and aimed it at the intruder. The son of a bitch was my husband. He wanted to know if I had someone in bed with me while he was gone. I hesitated for just a second before pulling the trigger…


It makes me wonder what if I had not hesitated.


… And one more.


I have a fabulous friend, Retired LtCol Sharon Jacko who is back in Afghanistan, this time as a civilian. She and a wonderful group are there helping women get set up in businesses of their own, to become self-sufficient. I opened up a recent email and one of the pictures enclosed made my heart skip a beat.


The young boy looks just like my brother Todd when he was young. Todd passed away at the age of 17. The picture is such a shocking resemblance that I started to cry.  This September will mark twenty years since Todd was around to make me laugh.


What if he were still alive today?        *Sigh*


(LtCol Jacko’s picture of Afghani boy)


17 Responses to “What Ifs…”

  1. LL Says:

    Oh man, that kicker at the end about your brother….I’m so sorry.

  2. MJ Says:

    As love is not complete without “ov,” life is not complete without “if.”
    Humor me. It took me a while to come up with that for you.
    Moving post.

  3. kaylee Says:

    OH I hope you feel better soon! I have more toumours 😦

  4. trishatruly Says:

    That was a great post! “What ifs” are great, aren’t they? It really makes us see that way things might have been.
    Yours was touching, thoughtful, and a little sad. Perfection.

  5. Peter Parkour Says:

    I’m glad you are here for me to read. It’s as simple as that. 😉 Hey, I’m guessing you drove I-84 all the way into/through Portland. That is one of my favorite drives in the whole country, until I actually get to Portland. I don’t like driving through there so much. 🙂 Good looking out on that trucker’s part. I’m glad to hear he was there for you. Trucker’s always seem to get a bad wrap, but for the most part there are a lot of really good people out there behind the wheel of those big rigs. But I won’t deny there are some flakes too, but you can find those anywhere. Don’t forget to smile. Take care.

  6. Allison Says:

    You know, you start comical with the cold cream thing…and then you start throwing out the punches.

  7. betme Says:

    LL ~ I have so many happy memories about my little bro that I seldom get down. It is only when I am caught off guard that it cuts deep.

    MJ ~ 🙂 It is the thought that counts, right? I read that a couple times and it makes me grin each time.

    Kaylee ~ Dang-nabbit… I am sending you some positive vibes and heading to your blog. (HUGZZZZZZZZZ)

    Trisha ~ I am in one of those long lasting peri-menopausal melancholy phases and reflecting a lot right now. I don’t think we would be able to enjoy all the happy moments if we never felt the sad.

    Spidey ~ I have had numerous good experiences with truck drivers and for some reason, feel better when one of ya’ll stop and help me on the road, than I do with any other random stranger. Hard working people seem to be less bent on hurting others. I know there are bad apples in every group… But, I have NEVER had a problem on the road where a truck driver made me feel scared or uncomfortable. When I traveled a great deal for the company, I had a CB installed in my pickup and truckers kept me company along some desolate stretches of highway… often stopping when I did for a cup of coffee or dinner. I was looked after on many occasions by truck drivers. I was always treated like someone’s daughter or kid sister. I agree with you about Portland. I once missed my turn and ended up going over the bridge into Washington. 😀

    Ps. I hope you are getting some relief on your back. (Oh, that sounded bad) or maybe it just sounds bad because I am twisted… 😉

    Allison ~ It was a silly, goofy post in my head… and it just evolved into something deeper. My brain is a rollercoaster sometimes.

  8. thegirlfromtheghetto Says:

    Wow, great post Betme! I am so glad that trucker saved you …. BTW, check your email …. I’ll try to get back to ASAP…

  9. betme Says:

    GhettoGirl ~ Got it and I am heading out to take care of it now! 😉

  10. Just a Mom Says:

    Great post. I love “What Ifs”, but my oldest daughter, being of course much more mature than myself can’t stand them!

    Please give your friend a big thank you for her service!

  11. Sarah Says:

    I play the What If game a lot. We just have these days where we realize how different everything could have been If. This was a great post, very moving.

  12. kaylee Says:

    THanks for those i needed them 🙂

  13. Red Says:

    Wow, that hit me hard .. Your posts sometime leave me speechless.
    I was mesmorized by them eyes.

  14. K. Trainor Says:

    Oh my on the licorace visual. How do you even begin to clean up a mess like that? Car wash and wide open doors? lol!

    I see there are numerous reasons why the Ex is indeed the Ex. Raw stupidity and stalker-level mistrust are excellent reasons to kick a husband to the curb. Glad you didn’t shoot him though, or we’d miss out on all these great posts! 😀

    That boy has such a haunting expression. *shiver* I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. You loved him–it shows.

  15. K. Trainor Says:

    Oh yeah, and that trucker ROCKED! 😉

  16. Don Smith Says:

    Man, look at all the comments girl, you are going to have to do real typing chores later on, good for you. Todays post was exceptional and I truly enjoyed walking down the path with you, thanks so very much.

    (by the way, you don’t have to reply to this)


  17. betme Says:

    JAMom ~ are children are always more mature than us (in their own minds) I will be sure to pass on your knind words to Sharon.

    Sarah ~ Mr. J and I often share the wry wisdom, that our ‘what ifs’ are what put us on the same path so that we could find each other.

    Kaylee ~ We all need our what ifs… It helps us see that things could be so much worse, and helps us reflect on the happies as well as the sads.

    Red ~ I was thinking about you over the weekend… Wondering how your guest is adjusting to your family. HUGZ

    K ~ funny thing about the licorice incident; I stripped us both down in the restroom, cleaned us up as well as posible in the sink, dressed us in clean clothes… and threw our gunky outfits in the trash.

    I am glad I didn’t kill him (although the thought may have crossed my mind once or twice over the years) 😉

    I swear the young boys eyes reach out to me. Every time I look at that photo I feel my brother asking me, “What are you doing to make things better?”

    Don ~ Thank you! (and, I don’t mind) 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: