My Shit Don’t Stink

I used to be uncomfortable typing curse words. It was not that I thought I was too pure. I may have used the word shit on an occasion or two. It just looked so crass in bold print.

I am a closet “Potty Mouth.”  When I am alone, I can belt them out just like one of the guys in a high school locker room! (I will not even mention what the girls locker room sounds like. As I would hate to ruin our image.)

However, when I am around other people I cannot spit out the vile words. Have you ever been extremely angry at someone or something and your scream out ~ “Go to Heck!”

It just does not have the same effect. Unless you are attempting to smooth over the situation with hysterical laughter.

Last night, I was very ticked at my beloved hubby. (I can love him and still want to put a pillow over his head, while he sleeps, right?)

Anyway, I was thoroughly pissed off and I wanted to yell something to the effects of “You STUPID (which is a really really bad word in our house… Worse than profanity) – Mutha Fucka.”

However, it came out… “You are such a Fart Head!”… Close… But it did not carry the same punch. I know, my mouth shows my mental maturity.

It is so much easier to make up later when you chose ever-so-slightly less ugly names to yell out. Such as Butt Wipe. Or a favorite of mine cuz my hubby is so macho …  Girlie Man.  Or, thanks to the Orbit gum commercial, Lint-Licker.

Our arguments would make for an interesting sitcom. We are both extremely talented at the adult version of “You touched me first” routine. My favorite type of argument is the silent treatment game because, I personally love the quiet and I always win. “What, you aren’t going to talk to me? Does that mean I don’t have to listen to you anymore? Oh, Goody!!!”

Back to our delightful argument last night: Like most of them, we cannot remember what the “mental bash” was all about. For the record, I was most likely right.

However, Mr. J. Threw out one of his favorites… “You think your shit don’t stink?”

I cannot stay mad when he says this. I have such a smart mouth … “Of course my shit does NOT stink! And I can prove it. Come kiss my ASS!”

Ok, do you see how our arguments go? We are both laughing like the loonies we are.

Some things should never be uttered in a serious argument. (If you want to win!)

Such as, “I’m not as dumb as I look!” My reply has to be, “I have to be honest with you… You look pretty darn slooooooooooooooow to me.”

To which he will say, “You are such a smart ass”

And I will reply, “You would not have married me if I was a dumb ass.”

For the record, I am not a fighter. It takes way too much energy. That is not to say, I wouldn’t stand up for issues that I believe in. If you want to take me on, there are a few things to consider:

1.) Do you have any good comebacks – and can you sling them fast? I grew up in a family of WAY too many smart alecks.

2.) Is the issue one that may touch a sore spot with me? A childish issue will have me insulting you. A Raw-to-the-Nerve issue will have me looking for a place to hide your body.

3.) Can you out last me in the event of the Silent Treatment? I have no problem tuning out ignorance.

A favorite quote of mine is –

“Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.”

I am not really flushing ranting today. Just telling the world that I won the argument last night. Whatever it was. And for the record, I don’t sit and analyze the aroma of my body’s recycling products.

I flush before the intoxicating scent reaches me!

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13 Responses to “My Shit Don’t Stink”

  1. LL Says:

    I work in a shop full of men. They are now used to me, my potty mouth, and my “don’t fuck with me” attitude. The other day, the shop manager is in our office and I’m ignoring him. He finally says to me, “Well. Don’t talk to me.”

    “Kiss my ass.”

    And that was the end of that. He laughed and walked out.

    I have a special relationship with the boys up in here. haha

  2. Taoist Biker Says:

    There are times when a good old fashioned “FUCK YOU” comes in perfectly. And I have very little compunction about doing so.

    But at other times, well, profanity is the crutch of those with limited vocabularies. It’s at those times when you can bust out with something like my personal favorite, “Sir, I cordially invite you to correct your craniorectal inversion so that you can properly self-copulate. Good day, sir.”

    My wife and I were actually talking just this weekend about how my blog is quite a bit less foulmouthed than I tend to be around friends…but it IS more or less how I am around people I don’t know very well. I guess that counts.

  3. Red Says:

    hahaha, that sounds like Mister and me sooo much! We fight/argue and then it turns into giggles, because he CAN NOT stand the silent treatment .. I always get the “so you’re not gonna talk to me anymore?” .. And I’lll say something like, “no, you big ol dick licker” or something to that extent.
    I would never take you as a closet potty mouth .. but I have learned one thing in blogging….. do not assume!!
    In real life, i cuss far more than I do on my blog .. and i cuss quite a bit on the ol’ blog .. I think it makes for a more colorful conversation .. but like you, I do the “fart head” and “dick licker” and “ass sniffer” and such.
    Glad you got your victory!

  4. Peter Parkour Says:

    You think I’m dumb? Well, well, well…you’re reeeeeally dumb.

  5. trishatruly Says:

    I need to learn how to do this. I am such a pussy when it comes to verbally standing up for myself. I can write it! No problem! I just have a hard time with the “fuck you” thing in real time. Too much indoctrination as a young woman! We would never say such a naughty thing! Oh, no!
    😛

  6. thegirlfromtheghetto Says:

    “Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.”

    That is a fantastic quote. Do you know who wrote it?

    I myself enjoy swearing with the best of them. And we all swear at work, so it’s refresshing. I so wish we lived in a non-politically correct world.

  7. betme Says:

    LL ~ You are a fuckin inspiration! 😉

    Taoist Biker ~ ‘craniorectal inversion” hahahaha That is priceless. Make yourself at home and let it flow on my blog… Just don’t use the C word in reference to me and everything will remain cool.

    Red ~ I love it. you big ol dick licker… 😀 When it comes to throwing around the comical nasty slams, I have called Mr. J a “Sack Sucker”

    Spidey ~ !!!!!!!! I am in shock !!!!!!! You pulled out all the stops with that one. 😉 You need to learn to hold back a wee bit.

    Trisha ~ I practice when I am driving. Crazy people in traffic bring out the potty mouth extraordinaire in me. As a child I was once punished for using the word gut. It was not ladylike and made me look crass. (Oh, if my poor daddy could hear me now)

    Start small and work your way up… I have faith in you. 😀 Before long, you to will be able to call a fuck stick a fuck stick when deserved.

    MyfavoriteGhettoGirl ~ I have been searching for the author of that quote and will not be offended if I am wrong and some brave soul corrects me. (I will not even call them a lame-ass)

    I believe the quote is in the book “The Notebooks of Lazarus Long” by Robert Heinlein. I have just finished reading several of his quotes and I am really inspired by this dude.

    You are always so sweet on your blog, that I would have never guessed that you are well versed in cursinology.

  8. Sarah Says:

    I’m right there with Toaist, I have no problems saying what I’m feeling (usually). There are more times than I’m comfortable with where I could use so much profanity that it may make a trucker/sailor blush. I tend to make up new ones (the hubs favorite is Gorilla yeast infection). When I fight with my husband though, I tend to be a little more careful about what I’m going to say. I’ll usually try to difuse the situation by being funny and yet still being right.

  9. Wendy Says:

    I’m with the Girl From The Ghetto, I love the idiot quote.

    I think I have the opposite of your problem, I never hesitate to say whatever swear word comes to mind as long as there are no children present. I feel really strongly that these are just words and the only power they have is what we give them. Like, in England the word “bloody” is considered a cuss word, though I’m sure if you called somebody a “bloody motherfucker” you’d get added strikes against you. 🙂

  10. Just a Mom Says:

    I gave up cussing for lent. Since doing so I have found it humourous to come up with other little sayings. My mom’s favorite was Son of a Banded Legged Murphy so I use this a lot! Son of a Bunny always makes my kids laugh.

  11. jooshynoodle Says:

    I Love to swear. And say Fart Head too. Sometimes I feel bad typing it. Shit. Whoo hoo that felt good!
    I have a hard time watching my mouth around my parrot-like toddler, which I am sure will come back to bite me in the ass.

  12. betme Says:

    Sarah ~ You are pretty good at making up names for a trash talk session. I have found that it really does not matter what names you use, it is the tone of your voice that makes them bad or sweet. My hubby’s pet name for me is “meatloaf.” Not exactly romantic by any means, but he says it in such a way that it melts my heart.

    And then you can tell someone that they are so cute (with venom behind the words) and the person will feel the unspoken explicative.

    Wendy ~ I think I am going to begin using bloody … Yes, “You Bloody Cocksucker” rolls off the tongue quite nicely. The problem is I tend to visualize the name I use. 😀

    I believe my new found use of profanity stems from years of repressed vulgarity. Also known as the preacher’s daughter syndrome.

    Because it is all fairly new to me, I have slipped over the edge of extremity. I might need someone to throw me a rope or at least a nice bar of soap to wash the trash out of my mouth.

    JAMom ~ You are a strong woman. I think I might need religious intervention as well. (or someone to tell me that my dad is reading my blog) Son of a bunny is good. I also like son of a biscuit.

    Jooshy ~ I just love you little one’s pic. Makes me smile every time I see it. 🙂 Tell ya what… Keep it clean around that gorgeous toddler of yours and feel free to let lose here when you have built up cursage going on.

  13. Allison Says:

    I have a ridiculously foul mouth after my daughter goes to bed…it’s like all of the bad language I’ve repressed to protect my officemate and my imp can’t take staying inside anymore.

    I keep my blog pretty clean though…not sure why…something about the permanency in print or that my dad reads it.

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