Knocked off Axis

Our delicate little ecosystem has been knocked out of whack. My little sister and her out-of-control monsters daughters came to visit. My sis and I can finish each other sentences, which we do, and we think it is both funny and rude… and yet, we continue to do it.

We are as different as night and day and yet we are so alike.  Physically… She was blessed with the big boobs but was given a flat ass. I was blessed with a nice ass and a barely-there set of boobs. She has the brass balls and loves to control the room. I prefer to sit on the sidelines and watch the crazies from the edge.

She likes to hob-nob with the rich and famous although she is neither rich nor famous. I cannot stand the pretentious crowds and steer far from them. She was mortified when Mr. J turned down an invitation from Avery Johnson for a bar-b-que. She wasted half the weekend whining… “But, that was Avery Johnson.”

I rolled my eyes and replied, “Yeah, and that is Mr. J”    *shrugs*

She does not understand the delicate balance we have with people. They invite us over knowing we will say no, and we invite them over knowing they will respond in kind. None of us want the other to ever say yes. It is understood. We are merely being polite with each other.

She almost crapped kittens.

Back to my sister and our LOVELY weekend. I spent three days pulling her daughters off of the back of the sofa and chairs, the banister, the kitchen counters… etc. All the while my sister was oblivious. The girls are 5 and 7 year of age, old enough to know better. I do not like to correct other people’s children nor do I like my things to be demolished.

Day 2 – Mr. J had taped a picture of one of our nephews on the milk carton. My 7 yr old niece started to laugh and asked why his picture was there. Mr. J stared toughly at her and said, “He has been missing since the last time he slid down the banister.”

Poor Ashley kept asking me if that was true. Maddie was not even phased, She stated matter-of-factly, “I don’t care. I know how to get home if I am lost.” (We were tempted to test her)

Day 3 – I have all the fixins for a yummy dinner. Grilled salmon, wild rice, asparagus with a yummy hollandaise sauce. My sis decides that she and the girls would rather have Taco Bell. She does not think the girls will eat fish. (OK, I understand… BUT Taco Bell?) Yes, they all wanted 99 cent burritos for dinner.

Cool with me. However, I don’t eat fast food for dinner and have no idea where to find one in my neighborhood. We drove around for a while with the girls grumbling and fidgeting. Out of desperation I pulled into a gas station/convenience store and asked the clerk if she had any idea. She pointed me in the right direction and I walked back to the car.

My sister was white as a ghost. She is deathly afraid of big city life and the Cholos hanging around the car were freaking her out. I laughed out loud when I got in the car and saw her hand on her cell phone. She had dialled 9-1 and was posed to hit 1 again if anything happened.

I could almost hear her mind screaming, “If you come a step closer, I am going to hit one. I am serious!”  She is very naive to gang activity in our hood. The cholos are cool for the most part, unless you call them out. They will whistle and throw out the cat calls… (which is a demented ego booster for us middle aged women.) But, they keep their distance.

The Asian Boyz are a tad bit more respectful of women and elders. But, they are more deadly. Even Mr. J will get up and leave the barber shop when they walk in.

And the Katricians… Loud, mean without reason, and brazen in their actions. They don’t care who sees and who gets hurt. They seem to hold no value to life. They are venomous carrying cockroaches, whom we give a wide berth. They seem to thrive on the misery of others.

There are many levels of the different gangs. We have extremes from the MS-13 to the street Wangsters.

… And my sister was prepared to save me with her finger posed on the 1.

All weekend this song was bouncing around my head…

We have all been sentenced to LIFE…. And I am kind of loving my sentence today; family, neighborhood thugs, and all.


16 Responses to “Knocked off Axis”

  1. Peter Parkour Says:

    Never hear of the Katricians. Who are they? I’m glad to see you back in action and it’s good to know all is well in your world, despite the challenges of every day life. 😉

  2. betme Says:

    Ah Peter… The Katricians is the name for my little group of Katrina relocated thugs.

    And thanks, life really is good… when one, insert me, stops looking at the glass half empty.

  3. Just a Mom Says:

    I love the milk carton joke! That is classic!

  4. LL Says:

    Dude…..Little Monkey is banned from sitting on the loveseat and couch because he’s been jumping on them. He’s been told he can sit on the floor. PERIOD. Sometimes people need to open a can of whoop ass on their kids.

  5. Moonbeam McQueen Says:

    Mr J is my hero– that was HILARIOUS!

    What a fantastic post! I’m glad you’ve kept your humor intact. You and your sister remind me of me and mine. I love her enormously, and her kids too, but they really are lucky that they made it into adulthood.

    Thanks for explaining about the Katricians– now what’s the MS-13?

  6. betme Says:

    Just a Mom ~ Mr. J kept mumbling and then took action. 😀

    LL ~ With a name like little monkey… hehehe… I wuv you way much because you are raising those two to be really cool and respectful monkeys. I mean kids. 😉

    MoonBeam ~ Mr. J is my hero too. I thought he was going to snap before he came up with the milk carton.

    MS-13 is one of the most feared gangs in the US. They are Salvadoran-American physchos who put a lot of fear in people by whacking up their victims with machetes. Here is a pretty good link from the FBI

  7. K. Trainor Says:

    “She almost crapped kittens.” OMGosh I have tears in my eyes! You have quite the way with words! Love the milk carton, too. I believe you and your Mr. are a good pair!

  8. trishatruly Says:

    I can’t believe your sister preferred to eat at Taco Hell rather than eat your yummy delish salmon dinner!! Huh? What do they eat at home? And don’t tell me they eat fast food all the time!! That’s a form of child abuse, baby!

    Your hubster kept his cool and for that you must be so proud…and grateful.
    Good boy!!

  9. Allison Says:

    Loved the milk carton strategy :-). Ick to Taco Hell vs. homemade dinner.

    Ugh to taking your kids to other people’s houses. I’m a nervous wreck everytime I take the imp to my parent’s house because it’s not child proof and she is she is, well….an imp. Anyway, we’ve been using a timeout room for her at home (extremely boring room) which has worked very well for her. We tried putting her in a timout at my parents’ house…first of all, there is no such thing as a boring room anyway….so I picked my parents’ room….1/2 second later, I remembered that my dad keeps a handgun in his room. Sheesh. It’s so much easier to have visitors at our house, where all I have to worry about is my own property destruction.

  10. betme Says:

    K ~ Thanks. 🙂 I think we are a pretty good pair. I fear that if anything were to ever happen to Mr. J, I would remain single. No one else would come close to relating to my sick humor.

    Trisha ~ For some strange reason, my sis never really learned how to cook. I mean she can make a few things really well… But, I would opt for fast food rather than eat at her house on a regular basis. On the up-side, She can make me laugh and that off-sets the food issues.

    Allison ~ You l’il sweetie is only what? 2 or 3yrs old. She is testing the waters on your parenting… My nieces have passed that age and know they have already won. Maybe my sister told them, “At home you have to listen to me, but at your Aunt and Uncle’s home you may enjoy yourselves with no restraints or manners… After all you are on VACATION!”

    I am glad that you remembered the handgun at your dad’s. That could have been tragic. My parents home is extremely kid friendly. They set it up for the grand kids to play and ruckus until they pass out from the fun. Mom built a huge craft/game center and filled it with games, puzzles, and all the crafting supplies you could ever wish for. They also have big tv room with a video game setup, bean bag chairs, blankets, pillows and tons of books for reading and a station for coloring. Send you little imp to my parent’s home to play. She will love you and they would love one more set of little hands around the house.

  11. Red Says:

    hahaha, that’s how Mister is when I take him to “the big city” of Louisville or Nashville. He’s so green, it’s almost funny.

  12. joanharvest Says:

    This was a great post. It’s fine when your own kids wreck stuff because you can punish them but it’s hard when it’s someone else’s kids. I love what Mr J. did with the milk bottle. When kids used to come in my store and touched stuff I always told the mother to get her kids under control. I figured it was my store and my right. I did it politely but I did it. One day a woman came in with a little girl. I had lots of bars of soap in a basket on a chair. The mother brought her over to the soap and said “Here, play with these while I shop”. I swear to God this happened. Of course I had to say something. I think I said” Lady, those bars of soap are not toys please do not let your child play with them.” She and her kid walked out. Sometimes I just don’t understand what people could possibly be thinking when they do things like that.

  13. romi41 Says:

    Hmm…I was trying to take in the comparison of yourself vs. your sister…I’m thinking that you’re much more my type, we should hang out 😉

  14. betme Says:

    Red ~ We grew up in a town of about 6,000 people. I moved to the BIG city and she still lives in frickin Mayberry. So do you play with your hubby’s head? (not that one) 😉

    Joan ~ That is nuts. Why would anyone let their kids play with something they don’t plan on buying?

    Romi ~ You are more than welcome… Just know in advance that I might accidently have my son over at the same time. 😀

  15. angelinaaahh Says:

    I LOLed in my office right now reading your blog entry. You should’ve had the cholos babysit your sister’s kids. =)

  16. betme Says:

    Angelinaaahh ~ Oh Man, I wish I had thought of that while she was here. 😀

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