The Fight

I pay the bills at our house. That does not mean that the bills are all paid with my income. It simple means; I balance the checkbook, manipulate the funds, and write out the checks.

This has not always been the case. For our first several years of marriage, the delightful (tad bit of sarcasm today) Mr J paid all of the bills. He had to know exactly where every penny was going.

This was cool with me as it freed up a lot of stress on my end. We were beans and rice poor. A good day was having enough funds at the end of the day to be able to add some meat to the meal.

Someone once told me that you know you are poor when you are making “wish” sandwiches for lunch. As in, I wish I had some meat to put between theses slices of bread.

Well, we were wish sandwich poor. Those were good times though. We were both starting from scratch. No home, no furniture, no dishes, etc…

But what we lacked in material wealth, we made up for in raw determination… grit.

… And the ability to entertain ourselves on the cheap. *insert sex… lots and lots of sex*

As the years rolled on, we pulled ourselves up; bought a little home, some decent furniture, even some pots and pans.

It is almost sad to make enough money that you can afford alternative types of entertainment.  I yearn for the days when our choices consisted of SEX… and SEX. Shall we do it in the shower or on the floor? The bed or the neighbors shop? (That was one of our favorite places… hahaha) If he only knew what was done on his tool bench!

Back to the bills…

One day Mr J decided that I should pay the bills. Seemed logical to me as I am crazy about filing, ledger sheets, balancing acts, etc.

Much to my dismay, I quickly learned that the love of my life was doing a horrible job with our finances. Bills were always paid after the due date, just squeaking by before cut-off dates.  *cringe*

This was traumatic! We had the money…

So I jumped in, rearranged payment dates and all was good in my world again.

UNTIL… I missed a car payment. It was complete over-sight.

Mr J came down hard on me… I remember the day as if it were yesterday. October 19th 2002. We were driving on the 610 Loop,


I was going thru a stack of mail and stumbled on a late notice. Oh Shit!

Of course, I blurted out the “Oh Shit” part, which almost had Mr J running into the back of another car. I don’t curse in real life unless I am angry, scared, or completely frustrated…

(Well, there is the occasional cursing during wild sex, but that is more of an uncontrollable moaned slippage)

Back to the missed car note: I quickly explained my miscue to my hopefully sympathetic hubby. Why do I always find the need to be so completely honest with this man? I could have tucked the notice in my purse, paid the bill and he would have been none the wiser.

Dear Mr. J decided to ream me about my procrastination for what seemed hours. I think he brought up every time I let the laundry pile up, to one time a month before that I went to bed without doing the dinner dishes. And when was the last time I actually cleaned the fish aquarium? He then turned to me and said, “If you are going to be so lazy about the bills, I will just start paying them again myself!”

I snapped… had a total tourettes moment. I glared at him and said (Yes, this is a quote. No, I am not proud of my mouth.) “You? You want to come down on me for the way I pay the bills? You butt-fucked the bills!”

*Side note ~ When googling for pictures of someone with their mouth opened, as in jaw-dropping, you will find way too many pictures of inflatable women.*

His jaw dropped. We did not say a word to each other the rest of the day. Which is very rough because I never seem to stop jabbering.

Silence is a scary thing after an argument. It leaves you with too much to think about.

The next day Mr J told me that my out-burst may have saved our marriage. He was proud of me for sticking up for myself and had to bite a hole in the side of his mouth to keep from laughing at my B-effing the bills comment.

To this day he will ask me if a bill has been paid or are we butt-fucking them this month?

17 Responses to “The Fight”

  1. moonbeammcqueen Says:

    Ha! This is great. I’ve always said that sex was God’s gift to poor people.

    I’m glad Mr. J appreciates the fact that he’s married to someone who can actually manipulate the finances and pay the bills on time. If this were left up to me, we’d be sitting in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere.

  2. SK Says:

    Hilarious!! Especially because Hubby and I, have had this very same conversation : )

  3. johnnypeepers Says:

    What would he do without you?

  4. Lucky Says:

    1) You think about sex A LOT.

    2) “Butt-Fucking the bills” is CLASSIC. Love it. I may steal it from you.

    3) Glad you stood up for yourself! 😀

  5. betme Says:

    Moonbeam ~ You are right. Sex is a gift for the poor and we would all do well to humble ourselves and have more sex.

    And living under a bridge in a cardboard box would be alright, IF we were in it together.

    SK ~ I wonder if all couples have this conversation at some point in their relationship? Heartening to know that you two have been there. Does that make me more normal or you less normal? 😀

    Johhnypeeper ~ Hmmmm… Not sure. Shall we test him? Have you heard the question; Why do men die before women? Because they want to! bawahahahaha… Yes, I slay me.

    Lucky ~ 1.) Yes, I do! It is a good thing.
    2.)It is yours. Enjoy
    3.) I don’t do it often… but, that is because I am not often pushed to extremes. The planets must have been aligned just right that day.

  6. SK Says:

    I have NEVER been referred to as normal……..

  7. joanharvest Says:

    WOW, I had that exact same conversation with my wasband , years ago. We had the same problems, no money at the beginning, worked ourselves up to a certain point and then got divorced. The one thing he did do is keep helping me as much as he could. I always took care of the money only I abused credit cards. I don’t anymore because my credit rating is so low but that’s a good thing. It keeps me from buying things I can’t afford.

  8. Sarah Says:

    I too am in charge of the bills. When I met my husband he too was butt-fucking the bills. It actually took everything being shut off all at the same time (cable, phone and electric; he hit the big three) that I decided he wasn’t in charge of the money anymore.

  9. Red Says:

    Butt-fucked the bills! hahahaa, classic!
    I be in charge of bills. I can tell you to the penny how much something is gonna be, before even getting the bill. .the Mister? Doesn’t even know how much the mortgage is.
    Wish sammiches, yep, we eat those too .. The child makes toast sammiches .. two pieces of toast with butter in the middle.

  10. Allison Says:

    You have to be careful with the image search. I tried finding a tasteful picture contrasting real with fake breasts for a blog post, and ended up with a Jane Goodall pic.

    Thank goodness that the bills routinely arrive, so that your husband has a chance to use your exclamation regularly 🙂 That can at least give you something to laugh about when you’re paying those ridiculous a/c bills in the summer.

  11. indianamatt Says:

    I wondered what the hell happened to my tool bench.

  12. betme Says:

    SK ~ Normal is over rated 😉

    Joan ~ I completely detest credit cards and insist on paying the full balance at the end of the month. I think this comes from scraping the bottom. The fabulous Mr J would have 18 credit cards by now if I didn’t throw away all the applications that come in the mail.

    I am beginning to see a connection here: When we are poor, we lean on each other more, spend more time together, and have a stronger bond. As we become more financially secure, we also become more independent. It takes strong bond to make it thru the lull of this phase of the marriage.

    That and a tad bit of insanity coupled with a bus load of humor.

    Sarah ~ Wow, that would be tough! We have had the phones and cable shut off. But, have never had the lights shut off. We did go thru a period of pulling money off of credit cards to pay bills. I do not miss those days. (except for the SEX)

    Red ~ Sugar-cinnamon toast is one of my favorite treats today. Things are so much simplier when finances are low. Vacation time consists of camping rather than fancy hotels.

    Mr J still stays on top of the bills to some extent. Every month he needs to know how much of our mortgage payment went to principal. It is amusing.

    Allison ~ I often wonder if some of my searches will land me on some government pornography watch list. As for the A/C bill, I am scared. We did not get any real cold weather this winter.

    Matt ~ You might think about sanitizing some of your tools before using them. 😀

  13. Lucky Says:

    Where have you been Lady?

  14. moonbeammcqueen Says:

    I was wondering the same thing.

  15. joanharvest Says:

    I was wondering too. Hope you’re not sick but instead sitting on some beautiful beach in Hawaii or some such place.

  16. Wordie Birdie « Lucky Me Says:

    […] Betme’s “Butt-Fucked The Bills” about her and her hubby paying the bills… […]

  17. betme Says:

    Waving at y’all… I am back… sort of… kind of… 🙂

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