The Tampon Lady

The front door opened and I heard her uncertain voice, “Hello?”

Shit, I had forgotten to lock the building again.

From time to time I purposely test fate. I leave the doors unlocked, I leave my seatbelt dangling at my shoulder, I stand on the edge and scream “Here I am! Whatcha got?”  And then I scorn in total disdain… Fate, yeah right.

But, this time the door was supposed to be locked. I was swamped. Not in the mood for kooky salesmen, panhandlers, or serial killers.

Pondering the why’s and how’s of the door, I was interrupted by the voice again, “Hello? Can you help me?”

Slightly irritated at the intrusion to my thoughts, I pushed the ominous stack of reports aside and stepped into the lobby.

She seemed a bit off kilter, scattered if you will. Not in disarray, I would not guess she was living in the streets. Her eyes were darting around much like a frightened mouse that had been caught out in the middle of the room. 

I was a bit hesitant myself, trying to look into her mind before I spoke. “Can, I help you?”

“Please, my car broke down at the gas station and I need to use your bathroom. I will pay you.”

Radar’s were blaring in my mind. There are at least 15 businesses between the gas station and my office building and I know the gas station has a restroom. Think… Why is she here?

At this point she was doing the ‘pee-pee’ dance. You know this move if you have ever been near a five year old who has waited too long to run to the bathroom. (holding themselves and bobbing from foot to foot, with a pained look on their face)

What the hell… “Um sure, it is down the hall on the left.”

Ten minutes later I hear talking in a muffled voice. She has called someone on her cell phone and was trying to explain where she was.

Again, the radar blares. I am all alone in the building and this woman, who has taken up residency in the bathroom is instructing someone on how to find her. I am not scared. *don’t tell anyone … but, I am armed* My boss keeps a 38 in his desk. No, I am definitely not scared. I am annoyed. I don’t have the luxury of free time.

Again, I hear her voice and this time she is talking to me. “Hello?”

I walked down the hall to see if there was a problem when I hear the bathroom door slam shut. I peer around the corner and the woman has moved from the ladies room to the men’s room across the hall??????

She left me scratching my head. Maybe we were out of toilet paper in the ladies room. Maybe she did not like the cleanliness of the ladies room and felt more at ease in a bathroom with a hint of urine around the bowl. The clock is ticking, another ten minutes. tick, tick, tick…

Do I knock on the door and ask if she is ok? Maybe she is constipated and needs time?

I desperately need to wrap my head back around the reports. I don’t have time for this!

I called up the shop and asked Larry to come up to the office and help me baby-sit. I hated to do this because Larry has a sappy crush on me. The kind of schoolboy crush that is sweet but annoying at the same time. It just felt crappy, “No Larry I don’t want anything to do with you. I just want to use you.” 

Larry is a big dude with a booming voice. I knew that our new bathroom resident could hear him as well. Larry and I flipped it back and forth, should we knock? We decided to give her a few more minutes.

I think she was looking for a secret tunnel out of the building… Maybe she was digging one! That would be cool. I could use it when I needed to escape!

Come on woman! This is killing me. I now have a woman locked in the men’s room and Larry desperately flirting with me. I need to work. Pleeeeeease…

“Hey Larry, you know you will be my hero if you sit here for a bit and keep an eye on things. I need to move back to my desk.”

That was all it took. I shamelessly used his emotions. He stood up taller. (heck, I could almost see his super hero cape at this point)

Another ten minutes passed and Larry peeked into my office. “Miss Cindy, I am going to knock on the door and make sure she is breathing.”  (She had been here close to 30 minutes at this point)

Before he turned away, we heard the bathroom door open and the scattered woman bolted passed us. She didn’t utter a word. (hey wait … where is the money you offered for using our toilets?) Hahaha… It would have been funny to see her expression if Larry stood in her way and asked her to pay up.

Curiosity had a deep grasp on me, pulling me down the hall. I peered in each bathroom with Larry leaning over my shoulder. I don’t know what we expected to find. We had speculated that she was shooting up and needed a quiet place to sit. We also wondered if she was casing the place. Thinking I was by myself, was she calling someone to come rob me?

Who knows?

Maybe she was looking for something to steal? The only thing in the bathrooms is spare packs of toilet paper, paper towels, a bottle of Lime-away, and my ‘stuff’. My toiletries – Toothbrush, toothpaste, hand lotion, and a tiny Saks clutch in which I store my tampons.

I had been violated! She had opened all my tampons, tearing off the wrappers and pushing them out of the plastic applicators!  Was she reliving a bizarre version of Willy Wonka, looking for the golden ticket?

Who would…? Why would…? What the…?

Shit, I needed a drink and the only alcohol in the building is a 25 year old bottle of Everclear. I once unscrewed the cap on the bottle and almost passed out from the fumes. Paint thinner is not a strong as the liquid in that bottle.

Larry, being his usual sweet self offered to clean the mess up. But, there was no way I would do that to him. I tossed all my toiletries in the trash. The thought of what she might have been doing… My poor toothbrush did not even stand a chance.

Violated, I tell you!

I bought Larry lunch. Actually the company bought Larry lunch. The company also bought all the guys in the shop lunch. I could not leave Larry with any false impressions. No reason to give him a reason to reciprocate.

This morning I saw her on at the corner, the Tampon Lady. I wanted to stop and hand her a couple tampons to feed her fetish. But, I knew it would be wrong. What if she was trying to fight off the urge? What if tampons were her crack? I couldn’t do it to her.

Ps. My door is locked today. When I test fate, he sends in the circus!

… And to PA… If you drop by, Thanks, you are the best!

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12 Responses to “The Tampon Lady”

  1. Allison Says:

    That is absolutely wack-ass crazy. Maybe she has Toxic Shock Syndrome.

  2. Red Says:

    Umm .. what?
    So she just played with tampons? Caaa-razy!
    I once had a lady come to my house and ask to use my bathroom. Uhh, no. Hellll no.

  3. Glassowater Says:

    We used to sell conversion vans here at the dealership. These had plush captains chairs, tv/videocassette players and large fold down back bench that became a bed. If we didn’t lock them at night, homeless people were known to come and sleep in them. But during the day, we had them unlocked with the keys in them like all the other vehicles on the lots. I was showing one couple these vans. I remember they were specifically looking for a v-8 engine. We finally found one and I opened the side door…a little too fast. Inside was some guy, on the bed, watching a porno and, well, you can guess the rest….as we were heading back to the showroom, I realized, that was the only v-8 on the lot…when I told them that, the husband looks at me and says “Think your recon department can get the stains out?”
    And yes, they DID buy the van…and the police arrested the homeless guy….

  4. Lucky Says:

    I don’t even know what to say to this. “What the hell?” isn’t enough.

    And Glassowater…GROSS. There is no way in hell I would have bought that. GROSS! You must be one hell of a salesman.

  5. Sarah Says:

    That is disturbing on a level of disturbing that hasn’t been discovered until now. Who does that to someone else’s stuff? I think you won the crazy person of the day award. 😉

  6. moonbeammcqueen Says:

    This was hilarious and creepy at the same time. Maybe she thought she could smoke them.

    And Glassowater’s story was GREAT! That customer was just so….guy-like. I’m surprised he didn’t ask you for a discount.

  7. betme Says:

    Allison ~ Perhap she does have some form of Toxic Shock. But I wonder exactly what form of toxins are in her system.

    Red ~ Too bad I didn’t have any panty liners in there. She could have had fun with the sticky-back accessories.

    Glassowater ~ That is yucky to the max! I do feel bad for homeless people… But dahhhyam. I would have to request the spoity-free model. (spoity is a new term I picked up… has a nice sound to it)

    Lucky ~ I know… I am still shaking my head.

    Sarah ~ I have a real problem with people touching my stuff. I am more than willing to share just about anything (anything but my hubby) if people just ask.

    Moonbeam ~ The sad ending to the story: Now I don’t see myself letting just anyone use the restroom. This kind of bugs me because I have been places where I needed to use a business restroom. What if everyone has an experience like mine and shuts them down? We will all be out peeing behind the bushes… OY!

  8. joanharvest Says:

    All I can say is WOW! Creepy, Creepy. People scare me lately. No wonder I don’t leave the house often. Agoraphobia has always been close to the horizon for me. It gets closer every day.

  9. betme Says:

    Joan ~ We are considered crazy when we shut everyone out… and crazy when we leave ourselves open. I guess it is safe to say we are just crazy.

    Agoraphobia… Do you have anxiety attacks? I had them at odd moments while my son was in Iraq. Not agoraphobia related, but I do not wish panic attacks on anyone.

  10. morethananelectrician Says:

    “Maybe she did not like the cleanliness of the ladies room and felt more at ease in a bathroom with a hint of urine around the bowl.”

    Hey! Us fellas are innocent on this one. Why the cheap shot…and poor Larry! Used and cast aside!

  11. Taoist Biker Says:

    Now, a pack of 11-year-old boys I could see being goofily curious about the tampons. But that? That’s just frickin’ creepsville. Yoicks.

  12. romi41 Says:

    holy crap…”Looking for the golden ticket”!?!???! You kill me!! 🙂

    But really….this is like one of those “Unsolved Mysteries” things…will we ever know???

    I mean the word “fetish” keeps popping up in my head over-and-over, and then I shudder…and then I think about it some more…and shudder again….and HALF an hour in the bathroom??…you could have like 5 different cycles of diarrhea in the span of 30min…unimaginable…

    But great story 😉

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