Who put that line in the Sidewalk?

I am a klutz extraordinaire. I can trip over my own shadow. After falling backwards over a presumed obstacle, I always want to jump up quickly and shout exuberantly, “Look what I can do!”(Just like Stuart on MadTV)

I learned years ago ~ If I am out shopping and turn my head to look at something, I need to quit walking or I will crash. Obstacles jump out in front of me when I am distracted. I have often wondered if I am the main contestant on a Celestial Reality TV program.

Space Gods place objects in my path and then distract me, waiting for me to respond.

Seriously, there must be a reason other then my two left feet for my entertaining, yet painful life.

The first time that I can recall the Space Gods (SGs) messing with me, I was about seven years old. I had begged my Aunt to let me carry a gallon of fresh milk to the basement. For those of you who are city-slickers, the fresh milk has about two inches of cream at the top of the bottle. We skim most of the cream off and use it to make ice cream or butter.)

Aunt Sharon finally relented and handed me the glass bottle. She instructed me to be very careful not to shake the bottle or the cream would mix with the milk and we would not be able to use it to make ice cream.

Carefully I took my first step… But the second one was my demise. I slipped, fell on my back, and slid down to the bottom… still clutching the gallon of milk. I had knocked the wind out of myself and scrapped the skin off my back. (wooden stairs with squared off edges)

When I could finally breathe, I burst out in tears because I thought I had ruined the milk. The thought of not getting ice cream was much worse than the fiery pain in my back.

Over the years, I have walked smack into walls, tripped over cracks in the sidewalk, basically falling over my own two feet more times than I care to remember.

Yet, I am an avid rock climber. Just point me to the face of a cliff and I will scale to the top. I can climb a tree with nimble ease. I have climbed on the roof many times to get a Frisbee or even to repair loose shingles.

But, I cannot seem to walk a straight line without falling on my face. Go figure!

My hubby thinks it has to do with distractions. You know the saying “She can’t chew gum and walk, talk, or drive… etc.” That is me… or we can go with my SG theory. Someone with a higher power is having a blast watching me crap out.

A few years back I had to get rid of a glass table. We had the table in the exact same spot for almost six months when I chose to run full force into it. The phone rang and I jumped up and dashed to get it before the answering machine clicked on and I just did not see the table. I still have an indentation in my thigh as a reminder that the SGs are soooooooo funny!

I mean, I really don’t think I was chewing gum when it happened.

And then there was the time that I ran into my chest of drawers. I can almost explain this one (almost). In the middle of the night I always have to get up to pee. I do not want to wake up my hubby by turning on the light, so I traverse in the dark to the bathroom, (about 6 steps, no biggy) feel for the vanity, reach for the toilet, turn and squat. It is all automatic. When I am done, I reverse my steps and climb back into bed, falling back to sleep. (sometimes I think I do it all in my sleep. It is that routine.)

It is a game with me… What life would be like if I lost my vision.

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll… One night, on the return trip, I made a sharp right two steps too early and plowed into the chest of drawers. I was so sure of myself that I didn’t have my hand up feeling in the dark. I hit the dresser so hard that I bounced backwards onto my butt.

I am still not sure how I had managed to get up that much speed in such a short space. I guess it is a talent!

I walked into a door frame playing my blind-woman game. It really is an insult to the blind because they are smart enough to use their hand in front of them.

I choose to find the wall with my head.

And then there was last year when I got ‘stuck’ on the fence.  

Let me paint the picture for you… I have two beautiful chows. They love me and are always rubbing against me begging to be scratched and cuddled. They are usually hanging around on the patio or waiting for me by the back gate.

I park just on the other side of the gate…

We have routines in our lives:

1.) I call my hubby each and every day to let him know that I made it home safely.

2.) I take the beasts chows for a walk

Sometimes the routine is broken up or delayed by trips to the grocery store, post office, gynecologist… etc… every day stuff.

My  impatient animals babies do not understand delays and become tricky escape artists.

Well, on this particular afternoon, I was multi-tasking to the max. Carrying in the groceries, placating the dogs, opening the tall wooden gate, and making the “I am safe” call to my hubby. Back and forth, back and forth.

I was heading to the SUV (yes, a gas guzzling, non-green, SUV… so sue me)  for my last load of groceries when I spotted Chey (the little bitch) inching for a vantage point to bolt out into the street. I am still talking to my hubby explaining all the goofy people I had dealt with during the day.

I reached up for the latch to open the gate when Chey darted for the gap between my legs and the fence. She knocked over a broom that was leaning against the fence and my two left feet became entangled.

Down I went… (still chatting on the phone) As I was falling out the gate into the driveway, I had a moment of what I can only now call shear stupidity. In a flash my mind told me to grab the gate and pull it shut as I was falling.

Now my right hand is hold my cell phone to my ear and I am reaching (while in mid air) for the gate with my left hand. Somehow or other I managed to pull the gate shut TIGHT with the back of my hand impaled on the latch.

My feet were not under me, so the weight of my body was pulling the latch deeper into my hand. The 1/4″  X  1/2″  X 2″ piece of steel attached to the fence was all that was holding me up. 

When my hubby finished his comment I remember telling him. “Honey, let me call you right back. I want to get this last bag of groceries.”

I then dropped the phone and blanked out for a bit. It was probably not more and a second or two.

Anyway, I regained my footing… gingerly pulled my hand off of the latch and threw up. I then sat in a heap until I could gather up enough moxy to stand up and get the last of the groceries.

In my doggies’ defense, they did not bolt when the saw I was in pain. Instead, they laid beside me, licked my face and whimpered. Makes it kind of tough for me to continue my thoughts of standing up and kicking them. (j/k… don’t call animal control… I love my babies)

My tales could go on… The time I stepped on the rake and the handle flew up and knocked me in the face.

The time I was wearing a long skirt and it got caught in the wheels of my office chair. When I stood up the skirt came down around my knees and I fell on my face. (a real glamour moment)

Taking the dogs for a walk and having them wrap their leashes around me prior to chasing after a squirrel.

Most of the time though, I merely bounce off of walls.

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13 Responses to “Who put that line in the Sidewalk?”

  1. Sarah Says:

    Wow! I’m practically graceful compared to you. When I worked at the library I would always find bumps and bruises on my legs and have no idea where they came from. I was always walking into something, and I still do. I’m well known for running into door jambs. Good job being knocked on your butt my a chest of drawers though, never done that one.

  2. betme Says:

    Sarah ~ You are young, there is still plenty of time. I have hope for you… If you train really hard, I believe that you too can find yourself on the floor after a vicious dresser attack. hahahahaha

  3. Wendy Says:

    The fence impaling is horrifying, but I have to admit I’m a little relieved. When I read the reference to it yesterday I was afraid you’d been “staked” somehow and couldn’t move at all. And what loyal dogs you have! Mine would have danced off down the street like giggling schoolgirls and left me to bleed to death. I’m pretty klumsy myself, but I think you and “Joan Harvest” are tied. Joan managed to stab her own eardrum while eating Chinese food.

  4. DNR Says:

    hahahaha

    WOW… just wow…

    I too walk to the bathroom in the dark but I always have my hands out. My wife moved a chair once and I broke my toe-nail on it but other than that I’m pretty sure footed.

  5. betme Says:

    Wendy ~ the Joan Harverst ordeal topped mine! Mine was not that bad. It took a few months before I could make a fist. But, I only feel a slight tightness in the area now. I do have a beauty of a scar as a reminder to spit my gum out before I begin walking.

    DNR ~ You cheat if you are using your hands! 😉

  6. Red Says:

    You need a helmet. You can borrow mine. I bounce off walls too.

  7. SK Says:

    You told me about the impaling incedent when it happened, and I wasn’t sure whether I should laugh or be horrified! Now that I know you’re ok, I can laugh at you freely!!

    BTW, my grandfather was blind for most of his life. He NEVER walked with his hand in front of him. Buy yourself a cheap cane, they work wonders 🙂

  8. Lucky Says:

    omg…I’m cryin’ from all the laughter.

    I’m glad you are okay!

    But I am still laughing. 😀 Only because I fall down all the time. Although…I have never been graceful enough to impale myself.

  9. betme Says:

    Red ~ That is funny but NO! I don’t need to look the part of while I am licking the windows on the short bus. Let them guess if I belong there or not.

    SK ~ I can laugh about it now as well. Yet, I still roll my eyes and tune out the lectures that you and LL gave me about going to the doctor. *I can’t hear you… lalalalalala*

    I have some cool shades and can probably pull off the look with the cane.

    Lucky ~ get a dog and then you can blame him when you trip. 😉

  10. joanharvest Says:

    Hi, nice to meet a soul mate. Wendy (Life with Buck) sent me here. She said we have a lot in common. Wow, was she right. Much of my blogging is about the crazy things that happened to me. I recently “broke my ass”. That’s how I like to refer to it rather than I broke my tailbone. A big klutzy move in a dark bathroom. I also broke my eardrum with meat on a stick from the Chinese restaurant. My list is long to. I am still dealing with the broken butt and it happened 5 weeks ago.

    I actually do walk with a cane bit that’s because of arthritis not an injury. The cane itself has caused me to fall. Canes and ice do not mix well.

  11. SK Says:

    Joanharvest, canes and ice are bad together!! I’m referring her to a cane for using in the house. And if you’ve ever watched a blind man, they do not use a cane for support when walking. It is swung slowly in front of them so that it will hit any object, before they run into it! That trick has actually saved me from some bruises 🙂

  12. betme Says:

    Hi Joan ~ I read your “stick in the ear” post! OMG… If we hung out together people would be running for cover.

    SK ~ bruises are character marks. 😀

  13. SK Says:

    Heh. I must have TONS of character! *grin*

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