The Spider Cometh

Yeah, I know… Cheesy title. I can only be so creative before eight in the morning. Unless I have been up for a couple days straight, because nothing gets my creative juices flowing quite as well as sleep deprivation.

I was over reading at Licensed to Blog and was reminded of a couple several spider incidents.

First I would like to clear the air. I am not afraid of spiders or snakes. I am not overly fond of either, but I will not scream or jump or fly into hysterics. OK, maybe I will. But that is only if I am caught in a sneak attack and I am cornered.  

I do have ridiculous reactions to certain bugs. An almost gag reflex to the sight of cock-roaches. In retrospect, I have a gag reflex to all insects if I feel one crunch or pop under my foot or in a piece of tissue. In order to keep from feeling them squish, I will wad up approximately 1/2 a roll of toilet paper and drop it on the offending insect and then I proceed to squish the entire mound, never actually feeling the ‘pop’.

My hubby, on the other hand has a method for ridding our house of the giant water roachs that sneak in.

He plays hockey with the little buggers. As you might be able to tell from the disgusting picture, they are not little. I think the average length is 1.5 – 2 inches. And yes, those are wings! When cornered they do a little kamikaze flight, often crashing into their screaming target.  I was told they are merely looking for a dark place and get confused.

Back to my hubby and his roach-hockey: he will grab the broom and sweep the critter towards the back door. He then yells, “Hurry and open the door!”

I am left wincing (and praying) that his aim is good and the roach-puck does not gather up the fortitude to open his wings and redirect his flight path in my direction.

Way off topic: My husband once decided he would clean up a dead mouse playing broom hockey. Once again he asked me to play goalie. This time he wanted me to hold the dust pan while he flung a squished rodent from about ten feet away. “Come on. I think I can hit the dust pan from here!”

repeat after me… Hell No!

I compromised, letting him play his game, opened the back door and let him shoot for the backyard. He missed and hit the door frame. (That could have been my face!)

Moving back to the spider issue: My husband is AFRAID of spiders. He does not play critter hockey with spiders. There is too much risk involved. I do every thing possible to keep from laughing out loud when he spots a spider. He is not a screamer. He is a mad smasher.

Brooms have been sacrificed in crazed attacks. I am sure the spider was smashed on the first swing, but he will continue swinging in a psychotic state until he is mentally assured that there is no way on the planet that the spider will be able to attack him.

It really is entertaining to watch! I am so awful. One day after a savage spider slaughter I exclaimed, “You know that all of his family are going to come looking for you when you go to bed tonight.”

Now my husband is a sane individual and is aware that spiders only gather armies and attack humans in the movies. Yet, for a fraction of a second I could read the concern on his face. bwahahahahaha…

His fear of spiders is not without merit. About six years ago he was bit by a brown recluse spider and hospitalized for a week. The doctor had to remove a large chunk of flesh from his arm.

And I am not completely free from apprehension. Stumbling upon a black widow spider can elevate my blood pressure.

For the most part I overlook spiders, or grab the dust-buster and suck them up.

I only remember one spider freak-out experience on my part. I was driving in Houston on the Beltway. (a large tollway that wraps around the city) There were many factors against me.

1.) It was raining and people in Houston drive in a homicidal manner in the rain

2.) It was dark and I am one of the worst nighttime drivers on the planet. Just ask my son about the time I turned onto the wrong ramp and entered a highway going the wrong direction. He still claims that riding with me at nighttime is more dangerous than driving in a jeep in Baghdad.

3.) I was tired – yes, I am using that as an excuse.

My hubby had awakened me about midnight and needed me to come pick him up. Something was wrong with his company truck. He knew about my nighttime driving disability and apologized profusely.

No problem… But, I was not getting dressed. OK, I was not naked… gueeeeeze!

I had on a pair of frumpy flannel jammies. I slipped on my fuzzy slippers, grabbed my cell phone and my purse and stumbled out in the dark.

I am happy to say that traffic was fairly light on the beltway at that hour. Which is very good because my eyes have a terrible time readjusting to oncoming traffic. It was going fairly smooth. I was concentrating hard on the road while the torrential rain blurred the lines. It was not fun, but I was making progress….

Until I felt a hair on my arm. I cannot stand to feel a loose hair on my arm. I have to remove it immediately. Slowly I peeled my right hand from the steering wheel and reached over for the hair that tickled my arm. (no, I never looked down to see the hair as I needed to keep my eyes on the road)

The son-of-a-biscuit moved and I nearly peed my pants. I knew at that very moment that it must be a critter of some sort. I took a quick peek and spotted a big black spider! 

Sneak attack! At the same time my hubby is calling me on the cell phone for a progress report. There is no way in Hell I am going to attempt to answer the phone while I am in the middle of a crisis.

I eased my left arm over to the button for the window and slowly roll it down. (keep in mind that it is raining buckets and I am getting drenched.) I had to act quickly because the spider decided it was time to move up my arm and he (must be male…don’t ask) was heading towards my face!

Once again I peeled my right hand from the steering wheel hoping to brush the spider out the window. In one quick motion, I flicked the spider.

Alas, he was a survivalist and refused to be cast out so easily. The little creeper was clinging to the edge of the window. So I did the only rational thing. I sacrificed my can of Altoids.

Yes, I threw a can of mints out the window while trying to hit a spider. I think it worked because I could no longer find him.  

I then happened to notice that I had travelled over three lanes into the fast traffic and had to ease back to the right. Thankfully, there did not seem to be anyone else close by. (maybe I had scared them all into pulling off the highway.)

When I arrived at my destination, my husband was very upset. He went on and on about his fear that I had been in a wreck because I didn’t answer my cell phone. He got a big laugh when I told him what had happened, only because I give him so much grief over his fear of the buggers. 

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16 Responses to “The Spider Cometh”

  1. DNR Says:

    Oh man, that’s funny!!!

    There are actually people walking by looking into my cube and asking “what is so funny!!”

  2. Lucky Says:

    omg…that is damn funny.

    I have a gross bug story to share.

    I was on the phone on the way home from work so I automatically did not have my full attention on my surroundings….
    I got to the house and walked right into my room and started taking off my jewelry. I didn’t turn my light on because the sunlight coming in through my red curtains was enough. I could see.
    Kinda.
    I saw a black something on the floor and thought I had dropped my big flashy earrings… Reached down and full force picked it up only to feel a crunch and then something wet.
    I picked up a one of those disgusting water bugs.
    I screamed bloody murder. My friend on the phone was panicking thinking someone had attacked me. She finally screamed my name loud enough to get my attention and I told her what happened. Thankfully, she understood my hysteria. I washed my hands in steaming hot water and dish soap for at least 10 minutes.

  3. Red Says:

    Yikes!
    I dont mind the critters unless they move . . or get near me . . or God forbid, ON me.

  4. betme Says:

    Hey DNR ~ Long time no read! I am stopping by your blog in a few. Hugs to you and the Mrs.

    Lucky ~ Ewwwwwwwwww. Better you than me on that one. Now I have to go wash my hands, just because of the image. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww…

    Red ~ (Or if they breathe?) 😉

  5. DNR Says:

    Been a while, I know. I see me over there on the roll!! Thanks!! I was wondering if you were going to post ever again… glad to see you here.

    Lucky… that was just gross.

    Red – you sound like my brother… A Navy Corpsman, served with the Marines in Iraq and will absolutely go ape shit if a bug, especially if a spider gets near him… HAHAhahaha!!!!!

  6. Lucky Says:

    You’re telling me. I NEVER pick anything up off the floor without full view and good lighting.

  7. indianamatt Says:

    Man, those bugs can really get us! Great story and thanks for the ping!

  8. LL Says:

    Girlfriend….I’m like that with mice and snakes. Spiders….meh, not so much. Your hubby sounds EXACTLY like my dad though. hahahaha

    Big babies.

  9. betme Says:

    Matt ~ Thanks. What is up with you macho men and your critter phobias? Who is going to save us helpless women? hehehe…

    LL ~ I should share my hubby’s fear of snakes. One day I was weeding around my rose bushes at our little country house and paused to watch a harmless garden snake slither thru. My hubby came out, saw me staring, and asked what I was looking at.

    I pointed at the snake and he bolted in the house and got his .45! (as in Colt .45… not the malt liquor, but his bullet spitting side arm of choice.)

    I fell over backwards from laughing so hard. The snake was all of 6 inches and hubby was preparing to blast it to hell! I picked up the snake, carried it to the edge of our property, and let it slither into the brush.

  10. LL Says:

    YOU TOUCHED IT?!?!

    I don’t think we can be friends anymore.

  11. betme Says:

    LL ~ I happen to know that you have touched a snake or two! bwhahahahahaha!

    Mine was just a garden variety rather than a trouser specimen.

  12. LL Says:

    Oh, well, yeah, those don’t squirm as much. Or give me the heebity-jeebities!! And let’s just say I’ve been working my way up to the anaconda stage, no longer garden snakes. Haaaaahahahaha!!!

  13. romi41 Says:

    ah, what a great story; I have that “army of spiders” fear when it comes to bees; seriously, ever since I saw some TV movie that was literally called like “Killer Bees”, and where they actually come through the vents to get you…hmm…makes me a little worried…

  14. betme Says:

    LL ~ Anaconda stage! You are the WOMAN!

    Romi ~ How you treat the first bee that comes in will make all the diffierence. As I see it you have two choices:

    1) Be the perfect host, offering bowls of yummy pollen. Therefore giving the scout bee good words to pass on to the hive. They will avoid (maybe even protect) you out of respect for your kindness.

    2) Take the little villian and nail his ass to a sign that you hang outside your front door. Be sure to pull off his wings and scatter them in front of the others. Let his death be a warning to the rest of them.

  15. romi41 Says:

    hahaha…I love your style and I am DEFINITELY going with option #2!!! 🙂

  16. Fighting the Monkey « DisIsMyPlace Says:

    […] have mentioned in the past I am not afraid of spiders, but those disgusting water roaches will have me climbing on my desk. And I had a giant roach […]

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