A Woman’s Guide to Watching Football with the Guys

Men are not sure about letting us into their little world of sports. I am asking women around the world to learn the etiquette so as to keep from ruining it for all women.

Men will act like fools when watching a game.

Let them.

Do not tell then to stop scratching their balls and do not act disgusted when they fart or belch. We are entering their territory… walk softly and absorb the atmosphere.

1.) Early discussion of uniforms will have the guys rolling their eyes and asking you to go out on a beer run. The guys do not want to hear which player’s butt looks good (or bad).

And, never utter the phrase, “That Seymore dude looks horrible in white. He should stick with dark colors.”

In fact, when it comes to uniforms, there is only one phrase that you should use: When the team comes out on the field wearing their Throw-back jerseys, it is acceptable to groan and say, “Oh hell no.” (if and only if they were 0-3 during the season in those jerseys)

All other uniform discussions should be saved for “Girl Time.” (and no, teal should never be a uniform color.)

2.) Too much chatter is bad. This rule is also valid for the men who won’t shut up and let us watch the game. It is bad enough that we are saturated with obnoxious bits of trivia from the announcers. Yes, Mr. Madden wanna-be, we know that the offense must move the ball forward to get a first down. 

Questions need to be saved for the end of the play. (and if it was a close play requiring instant reply, you must wait.)

It is OK to throw in your opinion, providing you have a clue.

Shouting out, “Oh My Gosh… He shouldn’t be allowed to throw that guy down like that!” … is well, just wrong.

It is so much better to wince and say, “He is going to feel that one in the morning.” 

3.) Learn some basic terms and IF you must talk during the game, throw out some gems such as: “They are going to blitz!” I know this is all confusing, but don’t use that one if the secondary is soft.

Don’t complain that the quarterback is playing favorites and not handing the ball to the fullback enough.

It is acceptable to talk during commercials and offer to bring in more snacks. (no veggie trays)

4.) When you finally have a grasp of the game … knowing when to cheer, when to moan, when to cuss the officials, and when to go for it on 4th and inches … pull up a chair and enjoy the game with the rest of us rabid fans.

However, being a girl and all… Please try to avoid spouting off any of the colorful terms that the guys use. Nothing will have the guys spitting beer out their noses faster than hearing one of us delicate women shouting,

“Knock his Dick in the Dirt!” (so, not cool!)

As for me, I am boycotting the Super Bowl. I can’t stand the Patriots or the Giants. Yes, I am a poor loser and am still sulking the Chargers demise.

Please quit looking at me like I am a freak of nature. Some girls do love and understand the game. I may have been pushed into an adoration of sorts by my 5 older brothers.

Only one TV in the house…and democratic process in place. The Wonderful World of Disney was often voted out in place of Sunday Night Football.

Some girls grew up playing with Barbies. I learned the bump and run defense.

Of course my mom would often ruin a perfectly good afternoon when she had me come in and bake bread or help with dinner. She tried her best to domesticate me and she did a fairly good job. But, my brothers taught me that you needed to wrap them up low or risk a stiff-arm to the face.

Brothers ~ gotta love them!


10 Responses to “A Woman’s Guide to Watching Football with the Guys”

  1. indianamatt Says:

    Hilarious post. Ladies, please don’t use the following phrases during football: “home run, foul, that’s not nice, or do I look fat?” Sorry about your Chargers. You’ve had a lot more fun than I have the past two years (Bengals fan). Also, I’m sick of hearing about the Colts (I’m in Indiana). At least you got them!

  2. Tracy Says:

    I’m a girl and I love football!!!! I’m sulking b/c my Packers didn’t make it!!

  3. betme Says:

    indianamatt ~ I have a coworker who once said to me, “Your team is playing the Colts right? Aren’t they the team that won the WORLD SERIES?
    (a MALE coworker) 😀

    Sorry about your Bengals. My son has been a fan of the Lions for the past 13yrs. There is someone who enjoys the pain of let downs.

    Tracy ~ Sorry for your loss. I was kind of hoping we would be playing you in the big game. Or playing Eli for vengance.

    I am so tired of hearing the announcers jock the Mannings.

  4. SK Says:

    I want nothing to do with football or any sport, that’s how I’ve stayed married fo so long! He gets to watch the game and yell to his hearts delight. I get to leave him in peace, while I go shopping. *grin* We both win.

  5. betme Says:

    SK ~ I may be out doing the shopping thing this year during the Super (yawn) Bowl. I have heard that many couple have come to terms similar to yours.

    But, I am odd. I would rather send my hubby out shopping and sit and watch the game myself. My hubby pouts and flips the channel when his team fumbles the ball. Then he flips back for a few minutes and changes the channel again when he is mad at the Ref.

  6. DNR Says:

    There are some ladies at my office that need to read this…
    My Missus and I are rabid Steelers fans. She loves the game and even cuss’ the refs.
    I gotta watch the supper bowl, if for no other reason than the commercials.

    Thanks for a great post.

  7. betme Says:

    DNR ~ Thanks for giving me a great idea. I will sit and watch the commercials and finish remodelling my bathroom during game time.

  8. Red Says:

    Hmm .. utter confusion with this post. That’s why I don’t do football . . and I looove that my big bad hubby doesn’t either!

  9. Sarah Says:

    I love football, just more of the college variety. The rules are all too true though. Hope you don’t mind that I’ve added you to my blogroll and I’ve tagged you. For rules regarding this you can go to http://sarahik.wordpress.com
    You do not have to participate, and if you choose not to there will not be a plague of locusts (I actually stole that line from someone else who did some tagging).

  10. betme Says:

    Red ~ Don’t worry about the football thing. My sister grew up in the same house and cannot tell you the difference between a punt and a kick.

    Sarah ~ Thanks for the blogroll. I will participate because I don’t take chances… even with non-intended subliminal threats of insect infestations.

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